It's the End of the World, and I feel fine

Several months ago, when I was a productive member of society and going to school and things, we had to write a persuasive essay. I had no intention of joining the legions of students writing about gun laws, abortion and other hot button topics. Because those have become trite and painful to write, read and listen to. I chose something more entertaining. The words are foolish, but they're true (name that musical and I will love you!). Anyway, I got full marks for the essay, but given what day it is, I find it entertaining. Enjoy!

Zombie apocalypse: disaster or desirous?

        Society today is dictated by Hollywood and social media. This is ever present in the folklore of the zombie. From colleges that have a zombie apocalypse survival plan down to individual families with bunkers filled with guns and who have weekend trainings with their children to teach them the art of tomahawk throwing, society is obsessed with zombies. On the surface, the general feeling for zombies is entertainment. Yet the deeper the subject is dissected, the overwhelming emotion is fear - fear of the apocalypse, fear of decimation, fear of oblivion. Though dreaded and feared, the zombie apocalypse would ultimately benefit the human race as well as the Earth.

        In times of old, natural disasters, plagues and disease were thought of as a way for God to punish the wicked as well as cleanse the Earth. When Noah preached repentance and nobody heard, the Lord sent rain and floods. When the Egyptians made slaves out of the Israelites, He sent plagues. When Israel would not heed the words of Isaiah and repent, Assyria was able to conquer and capture and enslave the Israelites. This is a pattern that is repeated when the human race needs to be humbled and wickedness prevails. Today, people are extremely proud. This is evidenced by this age being labeled the Facebook era. Society has become more self-absorbed and self-centered than ever before. Many people believe the world is more wicked now than ever before. Prophets of old have prophesied this and Prophets today have testified that these prophecies are now being fulfilled. According to Gospel patterns, the world is due for an epic disaster.

        Unfortunately, the word “disaster” compels the mind to react strongly and negatively to what is to come. A zombie threat is a disaster that would bring many positive changes to humanity and to the world. The most prominent would be population control. This planet is overcrowded. Many countries now have bans or incentives against having multiple children. Some places dictate cremation as the only suitable disposal of the dead because there simply is no room left to bury their dead. A zombie apocalypse would benefit both sides of that concern; the dead would kill the living and those left living would rise up and find a way to destroy the “Walking Dead.” As Hollywood has depicted, all know that the only suitable way to ultimately destroy the dead zombie is to destroy the brain and burn the remains. This will free up ground space as the dead will no longer be there, and fewer living people to fight over territories and resources that today are becoming scarcer. No longer would there be fights to have the biggest and the best house. It would take generations to fill what is already built back up. The benefit of a zombie enforced population control is that no one will have to try to keep up with the Jones’, because in all likelihood, the Jones’ will not survive the war.

        Children, youths and adults have all lost some precious and plain truths and skills to the technology boom; common sense and the ability to truly take care of oneself are the most mourned of those lost truths and skills. After the zombie apocalypse occurs, for a time life will return to a simple beat - working off the land, growing and raising food, bartering for the rest. Though there will be technology around, it will take time to get society back on its feet and recovered enough to use it. In this regard, the catastrophe would act as a human race defibrillator. When the heart goes into a rhythm that does not sustain life, paramedics will defibrillate the heart with an electrical voltage low enough to not fry the heart, but high enough to reset it. A catastrophe of this magnitude would act as a way to reset society. All would have to band together to survive and defeat the zombie hoard. This would also force united fronts on contentious political debates such as tax reform and immigration. It will not matter how one would normally vote. When struggling for survival, neither Democrats nor Republicans will have time to check on someone’s legal residence or worry about if the big banks are illegally causing bankruptcies, let alone vote on these hot button topics. Obamacare will no longer be up for debate when there are no more insurance companies or hospitals. When society is able to organize itself into once again having local leaders, society will not have to suffer through months of horrible political ads. And when that leader is later deemed inadequate, the process of removing that leader from power is a lot less troublesome as well. Either they leave town or are fed to one of the remaining zombies.

      The threat of global warming effects, deforestation and general environmental damage will be quickly curbed. Society will once again have to learn to live less dependent on fossil fuels – in fact, they will not be as sorely needed as we will not be driving cars or flying planes. It would take decades before humanity would even be able to start refining oil again. This will greatly reduce the harm to the environment caused by these types of machines far more efficiently than any current proposals issued from governments arguing the topic today.   

        While television shows and Hollywood movies portray the Zombie Conflict to be “the end of the world”, it does not have to be so. As with the patterns seen of old, communities will rebuild, the earth will have time to renew and recover. Society will rebuild stronger and better, for a time. Of course there will be drawbacks - no more Saturday night movie theatre trips, processed cheese will be a thing of the past and eventually the world’s supply of deodorant will run out. The benefits far outweigh those drawbacks – worldwide unity such as has never been seen before, a cleaner and stronger environment, humans once again being capable of self-sufficiency, and the destruction of Fox news and overall corrupt politics. As the popular lyrics say: “It’s the end of the world as we know it … and I feel fine.”

Printer Surgeon

There are things I never expect to happen in my life. 

Experiences I don't expect to... you know... experience

Places I don't expect to go

People I don't expect to meet

Words I don't expect to say

I currently work 2 jobs. I'm an office assistant, which is a fancy way of saying "I'm the chair weight. The smiler and angry people. The cheerer of the annoyed. The sorter of the paper. The answerer of the phone. (and when nobody is around to witness) the singer of the Pandora." 

Today... I was the surgeon of the printer. This is not exclusive to today. Surgery occurred yesterday as well. Apparently I'm a crappy surgeon. It doesn't help that my co workers would always walk in during unfortunate exclamations of "What the crap is that?! Has that been there this whole time?!" 

And "I bet this printer doesn't even NEED that spring... Nothing has sprung from there in ages!" 

And my personal favorite while talking to myself "Scalpel!" 

"Uh... Dibe, who are you talking to?"

Me: "You are fired. I pay you to be my surgical assistant and you show up late to this intricate surgery, I had to put my own gloves on (they were trash bags, because we don't have gloves in my office...) I had to tape together my own paper towels to make this surgical gown... I had to blow my OWN nose." I glared accusingly at him.

 Why do I even pay you?!

Him: It was just too emotional for me. I'm too attached to this printer. I'm sorry!

Well, how can I fault him, I've been there, man. Sometimes you have to distance yourself from the patient. 

This was also the time about 300 people came in to order filters. That they needed RIGHT NOW. Actually yesterday, but they failed to place the order yesterday. Or come in. So now they're late. And I'm elbows deep in printer guts. (and breathing in powdered ink. Can you get Ink Pneumonia? What about Printer Flu?)

I hastily put the printers' anatomy back together haphazardly, and attempted to look professional (hard to do when you have made surgical gear out of "hazard" duct tape and paper towels. Never fear, my dear humans, I had a face mask, gown, gloves and eye mask.) 

As I sat all professional like behind my desk, the customers looked at my desk and the handful of printer parts that weren't actually included inside the printer anymore all judgey. 

"uh... You forgot some pieces..." One brave soul commented.

"Are you a printer surgeon too?!" I asked. "These are deceiving little pieces. Like the appendix. And spleen. And the bottom 2/3 of your liver. You dont NEED them to function. Except the Liver. Because, it's in the name. LIVE-r..." These are like they, the un-needed, the un-wanted. This one explodes and kills the whole thing. It's a dirtbag!"

Strangely, my brother (the printer version, not Alex, Jeremiah, Jared, Job or Joe) has gone to the great printing press in the sky... In my surgical apprenticeship, I removed portions of its anatomy that were required for living. 

That said, I submit that it was dying anyway! I just sped up the process so that I could replace it sooner! 

~~~~~

In other news, I had to scrape my windshield this morning. Correction, I had a completely frosted windshield but have denied the existence of that much cold and have yet to buy a window scraper. (I'll go tonight, just so that I don't have to sit inside my car like a frozen idiot with a broken library card that smashed when you tried to scrape the windows and frozen fingers because you also don't own any gloves.)

So to protest the cold, much to the dismay of every human, I'm listening to Christmas music. Yes, in October. I'm fully aware that this is basically a sin against humanity. Except is it? Because Christmas music is really just Jesus music. And I for one am a fan of Jesus. And if it's not Jesus its music about winter. Which is cold. And snowy. The former of which applies. So Basically, I can listen to whatev'r I want! 

Apparently by new company policy though, I'm not allowed to try to convince people to stay to entertain me by serenading them with "Baby it's cold outside."

"But baby you'll freeze out there!

You're up to your knees in ink in here!"

I have this little heater under my desk that keeps my toe to my belly button warm. (except that I'm short so it's more like my toes to my armpits) but the rest of me is always freezing! I think my decision of winter music is sound. 

~~~~~~

Essentially, my life is pretty uneventful with occasional bursts of hilarity and awkward that entertain and amuse the masses. Unfortunately those situations are usually not involved enough to warrant an entire post. 

So here are some highlights over the last little bit:

On Saturday my roommates were on a double date watching a scary movie. I was grouchy and decided to not subject anyone to that and I went to bed early. I woke up just before midnight to my front door slamming loudly. I don't know what Dream Dibe was doing, or what was going on in that dream but the strobe lights that were going on outside my window were, in my mind, obviously aliens who had come to abduct my roommates. Said aliens were dirtbags and instead of quietly abducting them, they slammed my front door closed. I was sure that was what happened! Positive. So much so, that I started crying. 

Yeah... Once Dirtbag Dream Dibe left Awake Dibe alone, I realized that the strobes were in fact the police conducting a felony arrest and my roommates were not abducted by aliens.. Great times!

~~~~ Okay, so that's the only highlight that comes to mind at the moment. But there will be more, I'm sure.

UPDATE! I have a new printer coming tomorrow!! Brilliant!

ADDITIONAL UPDATE: I just had a dirtbag come in and get all snarky with me because I "didn't remember who he [is]!" Yeah... He came into the wrong building. Dirtbag.

A little Thursday ketchup

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I’m alright song

And I don’t really care if nobody else believes.
I still got a lotta fight left in me.

It’s been a while. Because. I have a life? Haha, not really..  Well, yes. I am among the living. However, I do not have a social life; unless you count avoiding people and reading a book as a social life. (Elizabeth Bennett is doing quite well, if you’re wondering… )

Life has been crazy, life has been hard.

Shortly after arriving in Utah, I started having severe abdominal pain; the kind of pain where you can’t get comfortable standing, or sitting or laying down and the kind of pain that Tylenol is a joke. Then it became the kind of pain where you can’t breathe anymore. My stomach was becoming swollen, hot to the touch and bright red.

I had been rejected for insurance and my new job didn’t have any insurance to offer me. And the only insurance available that I qualified for would require me to live in my car. So I was NOT going to the hospital, and no doctor would see me.

All week, my stomach was growing and growing as the infection (though I’m still convinced that a parasite had taken root in my guts and was growing an alien…) grew.  I was no longer able to do tube feedings or drink anything and keep it down.

By Saturday, I couldn’t take a normal breath without crying. And crying hurt because I’m a deep belly-breathing crier. So, knowing that it meant I would later have to fake my death and move somewhere tropical, I took myself to the hospital.

Remember that time I had a G-J tube? (gastro-jejunum) So basically, the Gastro portion is where the tube entered my stomach. Not just my abdominal cavity but my actual stomach. That tube was there to remove excess air, acid and food that my stomach wouldn’t get rid of. From there, the jejunum tube extended into my intestines. This was because my stomach doesn’t empty. The tube bypassed the stomach so the food could be deposited in my small intestine (which would typically work for Gastroparesis patients, however I also have a condition known as Enteroparesis. My intestines also don’t work. Because I’m a dirt bag and I really like to complicate everyone’s life.)

So yes, that tube, remember that? The J portion apparently had perforated my stomach, meaning it put a hole in my stomach lining. My entire abdominal cavity was infected. So the doctor had to chemically sedate me (yay versed!) to remove the tube. And again, dirt bag over here, my pressure kept dropped to 80/40, 70 systolic and at one point I syncoped (passed out).

A few hours (in hospital hours, which is like 20 hours in real-people time) later, and 3 IV antibiotics later, I decided to go home rather than be admitted, because again, no insurance and poor.  So I had to agree to go back for a week and get IV antibiotics for my guts.

Living with gastroparesis is… strange. Imagine if you will, fast Sunday. For the non-mormons, imagine that day you woke up late, didn’t have time for breakfast and forgot your lunch in your haste to get to work. Remember feeling so hungry you felt sick and every word made you either emotional or angry?

Yeah… That’s kinda how I feel. Every. Day.

Imagine having no energy to do anything. Because you have no nutrition, your blood sugar (which your brain needs to function) is probably in the negatives (okay, that can’t really happen…) you’re shaky, your brain is foggy. Yeah. It’s a great feeling.

In my case, without the tube, if my stomach really isn’t work and it’s a bad flare up, I have 2 choices. One, I can be on a strict liquid diet.  This is hard when you live in a society where everyone is obsessed with food. Myself included. I love food. All food. It’s also exceptionally challenging because the liquids I’m supposed to consume are incredibly expensive. When you’re having smoothies with protein powder and ensure’s or Orgain meal 6 times a day (because with GP, I have to eat tiny meals) you spend far more than your budget allows. So this option became not possible.

Option two. I can eat solid food. Food that I love. But I WILL throw it up. Almost everytime. This doesn’t sound terrible until you learn that when you vomit, you throw electrolytes in your system off. The electrolytes they typically look for in this case are potassium, magnesium and calcium. Potassium is one of the chemicals that help drive the electricity in your heart. Without the electricity, your heart can’t pump. No pump, no blood, dead. (That’s bad.) Magnesium does so much for your body. Low magnesium is bad as well. So when I throw up (sometimes up to 8-10 times a day) I start having problems with my heart (PVC’s, chest pain and trigeminy) that has led to passing out. Also, it destroys your teeth, and the lining of your throat. The teeth is more a vanity thing, and the fact that I’m too poor for dentures. So I can’t afford to lose these chompers. But when you vomit a lot, you can develop esophageal varices. You know those spider veins you get on your legs and how much pressure can be behind them if you rupture them? That’s what these are, except that it’s in your throat where you can’t hold pressure to stop the bleeding. Bad.

A secret third option is to just not eat anything. But that’s not an option because I love food. All food. Except Liver. I don’t understand the point of eating something that’s whole purpose in the body is to filter out the bad stuff…

---interesting side note; you and other normal gutted people, can eat something like scrambled eggs and within 90 minutes, 75-85% of that meal will have exited your stomach into your small intestines. That same meal might hang out in my stomach for hours or days. ---

All that said, I’ve had to balance between not eating, drinking only and eating a puking. This has got me sent to the ER twice because my combination hasn’t worked. It also means that my food intake has consisted of the absolute worst things I can eat, because that’s what I can afford. (thank you dollar store!)

It’s an adventure, to say the least. I’m learning to be creative to survive.

But it hasn’t all be a difficult adventure.

I took an EMT course out here. Loved it. Instructors and admin were fantastic. 8-week EMT classes make me really nervous. I feel like they’re great for recert classes but for people who potentially knew nothing going in, to realizing they know nothing and being able to take a blood pressure and apply a c-collar is kind of nuts. But it was fun.

I got called to be in the stake choir. Which is just ridiculous because I can’t sing. I love to sing, but I can’t carry a beat in two buckets nor can I hit the pitch… But, I figure I’ll go and love singing and then when they realize that this was a terrible, terrible mistake, I’ll get released and go back to being the tone-deaf singer in the crowd. (although maybe being the stake interpretive dancer could be a thing?!)

I got a second job. As a home health caregiver. I actually don’t hate it. It’s nice to be around medical terms and it’s fun to look at the CNA’s and be able to tell them that their patient has a raging UTI.

Me: “whew, have you told the nurse that she’s got a UTI?”
CNA: … she doesn’t have a UTI…
Me: oh yes. Yes yes she does. A bad one. I’m surprised she’s not having altered mentation.
CNA: what is mentation?
Me: …
CNA: How do you know she’s got a UTI?
Me: I smelled it when I came into the house.

When you’re told by your preceptor, your trainer, the charge nurse or whomever that you need to use ALL of your senses when caring for patients and investigating what’s going on, LISTEN. UTI’s, C-diff, GI bleeds, necrosis, ketones,  those all have very distinct and horrible smells… That’s a real thing!

But I like the people I’ve met through there, a lot.

I have roommates, they’re great. I have neighbors, and they’re fantastic.

So yes, that’s been my life. As my hospital bills come in, expect that I will be faking my death and moving somewhere tropical. Roatan anyone?

In other news, I’m going to make a jean quilt because when I came here I owned a total of one blanket that my CA people made for me when I was in the hospital. Unfortunately, it’s a bit short for me. (Surprising, I know!) so I can either have warm feet or warm shoulders, but not both!

Well, Ashlie was super Christlike when I moved here and basically furnished me with everything I needed that I couldn’t afford. (Bed sheets, a blanket, a plate… you know just normal essentials…) but I love warm and heavy blankets, so that’ll have to be a thing when I can make it a thing!

Now we’re just gearing up for the holidays out here. There are a lot of us who don’t have anywhere to go, or can’t afford to go anywhere so we’re planning an orphans holiday (**IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANYWHERE TO GO FOR THE HOLIDAYS, YOU DO NOW! MY APARTMENT, BRING SOMETHING DELICIOUS! Rolls, a side dish, a dessert**)

We’re planning a neighborhood ugly sweater Christmas card picture; if you want a copy of that, let me know!

Yeah, it’s going to be fun.

I’m grateful for those who have been so helpful and kind when things have gotten rough. Panic over medical bills, stress over health and medical stuff, frustrations over meals and lack thereof, worry over running out of medicines, losses and struggles. Thanks for being there. I know I can be a huge dirt bag and as my man Lee Brice tells it “I’m hard to love, hard to love” and definitely hard to live with. (If you pray for patience, you are pretty much guaranteed to be my next roommate, just a head up.) I’ve been blessed far beyond anything I deserve or have earned. Thanks humans! 

Utah

Life in Utah has been a whirlwind of adventure, excitement and shenanigans, much like the rest of my life!

As always, I have no idea if anyone but my sister reads this (someone has to limit my comma usage) but again, as always I don't really write for you, I write for me. It's cathartic, it's pulls me out of my head (and other places if I'm being ornery) and it lets me be. Well. Me. 

That said, if you don't like it, don't like what I say, how I feel, what I think. Don't read it. Or read it and get angry if that's what you choose to do. 

I've been a resident of Utah for almost two weeks and it has been an overwhelming blur of adulting. 

I left California on Tuesday night after many hard and tearful goodbyes and drove to St George. On the way, something pretty cool happened. I was toggling between being excited and nervous to being heart broken and devestated about leaving behind a place full of people that hold my heart and love . I was dreading crossing the California/Nevada state line. What if I never come back? What if I'm not wanted back? I panicked. But as It was time to move on, so move on I must. It was dark and as I was driving across the state line, I saw the most dazzling and bright shooting star that I have ever seen! (Also it's the first one I've seen in over 3 years!). The Lord and I have had this agreement. When I've been the most down, when the world has tried to break me and When my heart and mind have tried to convince me that He doesn't know me, doesn't love me, doesn't care, and neither does anyone else, He has sent a shooting star. I'll sit outside and watch the sky, brooding, or crying, or praying and when I'm at my lowest, the Stars start to cry with me (at least that's what I felt.) and it just became a symbol to me, a reminder that He loves me enough to send me a second. A couple of seconds of light in my darkness. Just to remind me He's there. 

I had been listening to an audiobook about early Mormon prisoners and one of the pioneers who has lost so much and suffered so greatly said something that whispered across my heart and mind, "we must go on, whether we can or not." 

Anyway, the next morning I continued my drive to Salt Lake, met up with Ashlie ❤️ and signed my lease! We unpacked a little, got a smoothie and eventually I went to sleep. 

Thursday was job day. I was going to find a job! By Saturday, I'd had 3 interviews with two more lined up! 

Sunday was church. And let me tell you about Sunday in Utah. It's nuts! We meet at the institute building. Which is HUGE! Apparently 3 STAKES meet there. Three. Stakes! There are 4 chapels so 4 sacraments can happen at the same time. Yeah. There are a lot of humans there! Thankfully my roommate knew where to go and what to do. I had no idea! I met some people. Learned some stuff. Sang and prayed.

Here's another tidbit. Apparently Utah has no diversity. I've been told that since I knew what Utah was (not a urinary tract infection for southern accented folks). Well, my ward has it all. All the diversity. All of it! My ward is like a smorgasbord of the world and I'm kind of in love with it! Also, my wards name is the Riverside YSA ward, which is my home YSA ward. It makes me both really excited and kind of homesick! 

Well, at church they announced a missionary fireside. I like missionaries. I should go! I thought! Plus, it would be nice to make friends! 

This was my Facebook update for how THAT went...

There Was a fireside tonight. I think to myself "self you should go, make friends! But whatever you do, don't say things!" 😑

They asked for experiences of where we would be if we didn't have the gospel, and the Spirit was like "get up. You have things to say!"

Me: "No, I can't say things in public. It will be bad!"

The Spirit: "Stand up!" 

Me: "Are you sure?"

The Spirit: "yeah, I'm pretty good at these things!" 

I stand up, "well, for those of you who remember the show cops, my family was on that show. (Laughter) we weren't the good guys... (Lots of laughter) so without the Gospel and the Lord being so individual, I'd probably be a national celebrity... And in prison..."

I sit down and groan to the spirit "really?!"

The Spirit: "hahahahaha"

Great introduction to the stake presidency, Hall...."

Yeah. For those of you who may have forgotten in the last 4 years or 2 weeks, I am the most awkward person I know! 

I am now gainfully employed! I work as an office assistant at an air filter company. It's a pretty fun environment and once I learn what I'm doing, I won't be so stressed out I think!

Let's see...

Oh yeah! The school cancelled my semester. Dirtbags. It's more annoying than anything else, I have to delay insurance and you know, learning. But I should be able to start in the fall.

Overall, I'm really liking it so far! I've had some really great days, and days that I've been so stressed and lonely.

One of the greatest tender mercies in that, is that on those days I've struggled the most, the days that I'm too tired to call, too worn out to reach out, there has always been a phone call, a text message, an email from someone just reminding me that I am not dead to them yet!

Here's to more adventures! 

Tender Mercies of family

Can you imagine going through triad alone? Without the support of your family or friends? So can I, and it sucks.

The second best and most incredible blessing (is the gospel according to Dibe) is the family. The first being the gift of Jesus' sacrifice for all mankind. 

In the Plan of Salvation, we learn that we are literal spirit children of God. He is our Father. We are a part of HIS eternal family. Bound to Him, not because of Faith or Choice. We are His because He created us. Like earthly parents create our bodies, Our Father created the REAL us: our Spirits. (Like CS Lewis used to say, you do not have a soul. You ARE a soul, you have a body)

What our parents created is beautiful. Bodies that give us an opportunity to learn and to grow. A chance to live on earth and love, and hurt. 

But what they created is temporary. Our time here on Earth is temporary. (That's why we put "Just passing Through" on my fathers head stone)

What our Father in Heaven created doesn't end. Who we are isn't what we look like, it isn't gluten intolerances, our bad lungs, injured spines, feeding tubes, wheelchairs or depressions. Who we are boils down past our bodies, to the Spirit that God created. 

But I digress. Families. In order to live with God again, we must make covenants or promises that bind us to our Earthly families. How genuinely merciful is that?! 

The Lord could have intended is to be here on Earth and to fight through our afflictions and to celebrate our triumphs alone. After all, how many species leave their mothers minutes, days after their birth and never think of them, never see them again? Yet He allows us to not only have support through mortality, He lets us have those people forever!

I think, next to the Atonement, that eternal sacrifice, families are the greatest evidence of His mercy and love for us. 

Not everyone though has a good family. Drugs. Alcohol, pornography, adultery, and a myriad of other things can tear families apart. Greed, pride, depressions. And yet in His infinite kindness, He promises us a way. He places people in our path to bless us and uplift us and He reminds us that we are part of His eternal family. 

I'm so grateful for eternal families! 

Everything happens for a reason

There are a lot of things that people say that are well-intentioned, well-meaning and utterly infuriating to me. 

Two of those are,

"God won't give your more than you can bear."

And 

"Everything happens for a reason."

I do not believe everything happens for a reason. I think there is a reason everything happens, but that is different.

I believe in a Heavenly Father who is all loving. I just can't see a loving Heavenly Father telling one of His precious children "yeah, you're going to die of starvation because you were born in the poor side of the world. But everything happens for a reason." 

I can't accept or believe in a God that insists that rape, abuse, assaults and the like were predestined, and that they were given to YOU because you were strong enough to handle it.

You may argue that the scriptures tell us that, that we won't be given more than we can handle. Please refer to 1 Corinthians 10:13 which states: 13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

I do believe that. That I will not be tempted to sin beyond what I am able to withstand and bear. 

I reject the theory, however that I will never have a trial beyond what I can bear. I reject that teaching. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe when I get to he other side, Heavenly Father will take me in His arms and explain why some people suffer their whole lives while others seem to float through life with ease, at His say and His command.

That's not to say He can't intervene or that He won't. I think it has to be His will to step in and prevent something or step in and cause something to happen. 

But Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ, they are both not only all loving, they're all knowing. They know the blessings that can come from terrible things. Perhaps that's why they don't always intervene. Perhaps they know how you will bless the lives of others because of your own suffering.

(2nd Corinthians 1:3-7 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

6 And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.

7 And our hope of you is steadfast, knowing, that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation.)

I think the whole purpose of Jesus suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, dying on the cross of Calvary and rising again in the tomb of Golgotha is to take away all the things we were not, are not and will not be able to bear alone. 

If I could bear all things, I would not need a Savior. He suffered for more than just my sons (which are plentiful) He suffered for every cut, every bruise, every pain, every sorrow, every fear. Everything that I could not and cannot bear alone. 

I just can't accept a loving Father would plan a life for someone to be full of heartbreak after agonizing heartbreak.

Rather, I know that we are imperfect. People make bad decisions and God will not take away someone's right to choose. Because of that, bad things happen. (To the good and the bad.) we also live in an imperfect world where we are able to get sick in our imperfect bodies. I don't believe a loving Father would give somebody cancer or lupus or miscarriages or nerve damage to teach them a lesson. Our bodies are imperfect, the world around us is imperfect. 

But Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can take our suffering and make it something more. He can take a survivor of a brutal attack and inspire them to turn around on their path and help another to survive. 

He can take someone suffering from cancer, and heal a wound in their hearts that hey never knew was there.

Suffering doesn't have to be in vain. He can orchestrate a beautiful blessing out of some really crappy situations. 

I've found that those beautiful blessings have come from my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ through others. Others who have travelled this path that I've stumbled down, or people who just wanted me to know that I'm not alone traveling. 

The blessing in trials is that you don't have to be strong enough to deal with it alone. You were never meant to overcome trials alone. That's why we are all here together in our imperfect bodies. 

He is strong enough. And He will send His toughest, kindest and most loving warriors to help you. 

I'm not strong enough. I am no where near strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be. And that's okay. 

Live Like you were dying

This week in class we were assigned to write a bucket list. Coincidentally, living with Gastroparesis, people ask me frequently what I want to do before I die. 

More than anything, I want to matter. I want to leave behind a legacy. It's selfish and I know that, but I don't want to be forgotten. I want someone in the world to know that I lived.

Now don't worry, I'm not being especially morbid. I recently made a promise that I would live at least 60 more years, so I guess you all are stuck with me a while longer. 

You know, having a chronic illness has taught me a lesson about mortality. You only get one of them. But I also am learning that fear is stupid. Nervousness is stupid. How much more would I have done if I hadn't been afraid, afraid to die, afraid to fail, afraid of rejection. The good thing is, now I can live that way. I can live without fear. I firmly believe in the quote 

"Life is not a journey to the grace arriving in a well preserved, attractive body. One should show up late, skid in sideways screaming, 'WAHOOO!!! WHAT A RIDE!'" 

I want to live authentically, be me. Just me. 

And without further adu, my bucket list. 

1.Get married

2. Have children

3. Adopt a child

4. Go to Jerusalem

5. Meet the Prophet

6. See Rome

7. Walk into an Egyptian pyramid

8. Solve a mystery

9. Help someone enter the waters of baptism

10. Graduate college

11. Play the cello

12. Publish a novel

13. Help someone overcome their hell

14. Invent something epic

15. Help children with similar pasts

16. Own a monkey

17. Hug a koala

18. Ride an elephant

19. Do a handstand without breaking my head

20. Become excellent at repenting

21. Become an expert at forgiving

22. Love without fear

23. Sing to more than just the steering wheel

24. To witness someone learning of Heavenly Fathers’ love for them for the first time

25. Surf

26. Lay in a hammock, drinking a slush out of a coconut

27. Make a difference

28. Join an organization that changes lives

29. Learn 3 languages

30. Go to every temple in the country

31. Go to at least one temple per continent

32. Go to a temple dedication

33. Run a half marathon, without dying.

34. Quilt a blanket

35. Knit a neck tie (that someone would actually wear because it was awesome and not because they feel obligated to me!)

36. Watch a sunrise from the top of a mountain

37. Watch a meteor shower from the back of a pick-up

38. Go on an African Safari

39. Be actively involved in humanitarian aid efforts

40. Own a home

41. Run a day care

42. Go on a cruise

43. Go to the Wizarding world of Harry Potter

44. Go to Disneyland and ride the rides until I puke

45. Learn to let it go, the past is in the past

46. Do the Lords’ work. In any capacity. 

47. See Wicked live on stage

48. Skydive, and live

49. Matter

50. Shoot a shotgun

SIDS test, Gastroparesis, psych eval. All in a day's work

934: I've been in the valet parking line for 15 minutes! I'm not a self entitled brat, not usually anyway. I just am fully hydrated and really want to be less so. But that ought to be done in a restroom, rather then the driver seat of a car..

1000: whew relief. In a building. With my car safely and freely parked by someone who hopefully won't lose it like I would have!

1005: "hi what are you here for?"

"The annual Christmas party! They said they'd have live koalas to cuddle this year!"

The receptionist looks slightly horrified and also offended that nobody invited her. 

"Um... I don't think that's today..." She was clearly trying to assess my mental health. Get in line, lady. So is everyone else!

"Are you sure? I have the invitation right here!" I replied and pulled my orders for my SMART study. "Oh, you're right. Today is my SMART pill study! I guess the koalas are next week!"

More blank stares.

"No really, Dr. So-and-so ordered this test. I looked it up last night and WebMD knows about it so I know it's a real test! I'm swallowing pills with cameras in them so they can record my guts!"

Alarmed looks, now the lady is poised by what I assume is the panic button. I'm intrigued, will a trap door open in the ceiling and ninja drop in and karate chop my orders in half? I take a half step back (which for visual help, is more like a quarter step back because I have little legs)

"Yes miss. Please go sit down, we'll... Investigate... And call you back up..." 

It's okay, tonight they'll go home and tell heir family about the crazy midget who wanted to cuddle koalas instead of having a photo-op of her guts. You're welcome family.

1050: I'm regretting my shenanigans. But only slightly. Mostly because I think the two receptionists are have a fierce thumb war, then rock, paper, scissors war to see who has to deal with me. I'll make it easier for them, I'll just get back in line. Poor humans.

"We... We don't know anything about this SMART test. But I don't think it's done here." The other receptionist tentatively said. They decided to tag team me. They're both helping me. (Safety in numbers? Buddy system? Who knows.) 

1100: my phone rings. UCI is calling me. Weird. I'm at UCI. I look up to see one of the receptionists in the phone, staring in my general direction. 

"Hello?" (This is much better than the greeting we used to use when we were kids and trying to intercept calls from school trying to report bad grades or bad behavior with "Harry's morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!" That I was tempted to use.)

"Hi, this is J----, I'm the nurse for your doctor. I'm not seeing this test you're talking about. The receptionist felt it would be easier to understand coming from me." She said hesitantly.

"Oh dear. Im sure this is where I'm supposed to go. The lady on the phone told me l was to come to this building, this floor, at this time. She was really secretive about it so maybe she thought I was her drug dealer. I'm not though. A drug dealer. Unless you want some anti puking pills. Except I couldn't sell you much because without them I would barf all over you."

"Really?" She questioned. 

"Well, technically she told me to show up any time Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. So that would have been a terrible drug deal. But otherwise, here, this place." 

"Let me look...." 

I wondered for long it would take me to get kicked out. 

 A moment later she nearly shouted into the phone "OH!! A SIDS test!" 

"Huh? No, I was told it was a SMART study." I told her.

"Yep, that's this! You need to go to the main building, next to the ER!" She said triumphantly.

This seemed like a trap. I was told specifically to come to this building, this suite. They were probably going to send me to the psych building...

"I'm sure I need to be here. That's what the lady told me. And she didn't say anything about a SIDS test. And what's more, why are you trying to test me for a sudden infant death syndrome. I may be short and lack certain mature personality traits, but I'll have you know, I'm taller than my 8 year old niece!" (Barely.) 

She sighed. 

A few minutes later, I found myself in the basement of the main building surrounded by people who had the same birthday as me. Not kidding. How we got to talking about it, I'm unsure. But the madness was put to a stop as I was trying to organize everyone by birth year. True story. 

A tall scrubbed man came in, called me by name and told me to follow him. 

"Okay. But you know, I'm not crazy. This all started because of a joke. I don't actually NEED to see my friends with the white jackets. Although, I wouldn't say no to a hug. But from myself seems a bit selfish."

He stared. "What kind of test are you here for?"

"Well, I came to the other building for a SMART study. But apparently I'm supposed to be here. But now they're saying its for a SIDS test."

"Oh yes. That's us." He said, relieved that I was making some sense to him

Another few minutes later and I was in a hospital gown with this beauty in my hand:

Those are markers that will stay in my guts and tell someone that in fact I DO have gastroparesis. They will not decide if I died suddenly in my infancy. 

An X-ray, a few snarky comments and some concerned looks later, And a peek at the orders to make sure I wasn't going to be kept on a mental health hold (turns out it's called a SITZ test. Similar sounds, total different meaning!) and I finally escaped. I mean, left.

I must return on Sunday, to the ER this time. I made them write down UCI Emergency Room With the date and time I was supposed to be there and sign it. But I left it behind along with a fascinating article about gluten-free diets fads. 

And this ladies and gentlemen is why I shouldn't be allowed in public.

Dream Dibe is a dirtbag

Some people have alter-egos. Some people claim voices, blame hormones and PMS or mental health difficulties. Some people cite shoulder angels and Devils for their decision making process.

I try to be pretty honest with people. "I'm kind of a dirt bag, I'm just really good at hiding it!" 

It turns out, my dirtbaggery is conditional. On sleep. 

No kidding.

There was a day that I woke up and my feet were covered in grass, my bed room door was locked and the back door was swinging open. 

"Clearly I was abducted by aliens!" I reasoned.

"Or kidnapped and when they realized that holding me for ransom would not only NOT yield a financial gain, but that they'd most likely end up paying to give me back, they snuck me back in bed before I ever woke up!" I was sure some kind of tom foolery had taken place.

Later that morning, as I was climbing the stairs at work, my Fitbit told me that I had accomplished my daily goal of waking 10,000 steps. 

Weird... I've only been awake for about and hour and a half... I checked my GPS, apparently Dream Dibe was feeing a little cooped up, and went for a late night stroll. A 3 mile stroll. Thanks Dream Dibe, getting my exercise whilst asleep.

A week or Two later. I awoke and something was amiss. 

This says: Dear Dibe. Look down! Do you know where your ring and necklace are? I do. Good luck. Game on! Dream Dibe.

Sure enough, when I looked down, my necklace and my ring were missing. I searched everywhere and a few days later, I found my necklace folded up in a pair of socks. The ring is still at large. 

A few nights ago, I dreamed a dream. A dreamt that my arm had been amputated in a horrific accident, after a quick recovery, Dream Dibe was angry. Angry and bitter. Not because of an amputation. No. Dream Dibe was pissed because she had an Arsenal of great one-legged jokes and zero one armed jokes. She was angry that the right limb hadn't been destroyed.

So there you have it. Dream Dibe (much like Awake Dobe) values a good joke over necessities like walking. 

Fence sitters for Christ!

ToWhy should we read the Scriptures or go to Institute? Because that's how the Lord speaks to us! That's how we are protected!

Last night in Institute we talked about how we can have a stronger testimony of Christ (by studying daily from the Scriptures.) Then seemingly out of the blue, our teacher asks "Do you think there were fence sitters in Heaven?"

My heart started pounding.

You see, when I was a teenager I was assaulted. I responded in the only way I knew how, which was to completely shut down. I reached out very timidly for some comfort and was told that sometimes "these things happen because of something you need to repent for."

Now, I was 17. Shy. Well behaved. I was a good kid. "Then maybe this happened because of something that you are..." Was the reply.

I was devastated. And from that moment on, I was convinced that I was inherently evil and somehow managed to sneak by and convince Jesus that I was on His team, versus Satan's team. For years, I've studied about the war in Heaven. I've studied about the Plan of Salvation (for more information on these and many other topics see Mormon.org) I wondered if I could be part of the 1/3 hosts of heaven that were cast out but somehow managed to make my way here instead.

Why do I go to Institute? Because my Father knew that underneath my hope and faith, there's always that seed of fear that I am not a good person. That I am inherently bad. 

"Were there fence sitters?"

"Have you ever wondered why you were sent to Earth at this specific time? ... you are a choice spirit who has come forth in this day when the responsibilities and opportunities, as well as the temptations are the greatest... You [are] worthy and willing to carry on the responsibilities of building the kingdom of God and preparing the World for the Second Coming" Elder Neil L. Anderson.

Would the Father send a fence sitter at a time when He needs His people to be "All in"?

This may sound rudimentary to most, but after years of searching and studying and hoping and praying, now I know that I wasn't a fence sitter. I am all in. And I always have been.

That's why I go to Institute. And why you should too.

When life gives you sun flowers, turn to face the Son!

I've been home from my two-and-a-half week stay at the hospital for almost a month and each day, I'm grateful for things like showers, clean underwear, working WiFi. Sleep.

I'm grateful for friends and family, movies and crafts, books and homework. 

I'm humbled by the support and love I've received, the books, the crafts, the thoughts and the prayers. I'm grateful for each Priesthood holder that offered to give me a blessing. I'm grateful to each person who spared a thought, who sent a text, who made a phone call, who offered a prayer on my behalf. I am so grateful.

The last almost month has been. Eventful. I've had one doctors appointment, one test, I've spent hours on the phone with insurance as well as in attempt to schedule an appointment with a motility specialist. I've had my medications changed, seen miracles happen and plans fall apart.

I've fought with insurance and the doctor to keep my prescription of Zofran from emptying, I've fought the good fight.

I have been protected, and loved on, entertained, pacified, calmed, and comforted. 

I have found peace in the Scriptures. I have found solace in prayer. I have found that if you tell your best jokes to Father, He will make you feel funnier, if not to anyone else, than at least to yourself. I have found more comprehension in Gospel studies. I have found time to devote to my Savior. 

It hasn't all been roses. I've been to the ER, I've been discouraged, frustrated and in pain. I've hugged the toilet through the night, praying the dry heaves will stop long enough to get some sleep. I've thrown up so violently that I'm pretty sure my toe nails managed to be ripped through my body and out of my mouth. I've gone stir crazy from feeling well enough to be out of bed, but crummy enough to be unable to go out and do real life things. 

But in this process I've learned a lot! My stomach empties faster than my intestines. I am slightly obsessed with all things pumpkin-flavored this autumn. I've learned that Swiss Miss vanilla pudding is the best, but darn near impossible to find. Peanut Butter was an addiction before, now it's a staple in my diet. This is evidence that The Big Guy loves me! I've learned that Ensure is gross, and Orgain is delicious. I've (sort of, almost) learned to quilt by hand! (Next is a jean quilt, so if you have any jeans that you want to donate, I'm accepting!)

There are things I never would have learned without this fun experience with Gastroparesis and Enteroparesis. There are people I never would have met. I can't say that I would have picked this path if it had been up to me. I probably would have picked the path littered with unicorns pooping rainbows and butterflies. Alas, I got the path littered with projectile vomiting, incredible people, faith I never could have expected.

Also, I've learned to love bananas.

Yeah. Miracle.

My latest trip to the ER. My little friend there kept going in and out of Bigeminy. 

Then they brought in the Pediatric crash cart. They SAID it was because I had the biggest room and they needed a place to put it. I maintain that it was a short joke.

My Boulder fell out.... Socks and flip flops. Well. I guess you can take the Dibe out of Boulder.

There were many students. Med Students, Nursing students, EMT students. It was fun to watch how the shine of the shoes differed with seasoned medics versus green green EMTs. 

When love can change the world

Today, I am grateful for good attitudes and happy dispositions. While I was in the Emergency Room at the beginning of this month, there was a patient there who was told that he could lose his eye due to the injury he sustained. He was a couple of rooms down from me. ("rooms", he was a few curtains down from me.) And the only complaint he uttered was that of pain. Rather than whine and curse the heavens like many other patients were doing, and in spite of the pain his injury caused, he was making so many one-eyed jokes. He laughed about his predicament. He was a pleasure to be around. How grateful I am for that experience.

*****************

This week has been a great one. Becca and I had planned a week of adventures and fun. Then I got sick and got to watch Becca having a blast from the sidelines. 

A couple of things we got to do together was to go to the Holocaust museum and the LA temple. This week has reminded  me and testified of the love the Savior and Father in Heaven has for us. ALL of us. I am so honored by His grace. His mercy. His love. 

On the other hand, I'm often surprised at the frailty, the cruelty and the indifference of the human family. Sometimes, people will step up and change the course of history by the incredible good things or incredible bad things. 

I learned today of Germany stepping up incredibly and being genuinely human. Loving their human brothers and sisters. When confronted with refugees, they have not refused them or rejected them, instead they have asked "how can we help them feel safe here."

The World is changing. Enemies cease to be enemies and become friends. Friends show their colors in adversity. 

What Becca has taught me, along with current events, history and the Spirit this week is to love. Love my brothers and sisters.

Curveballs, blood clots and blessings

Well, life has sure thrown a curveball my way. I'd say life gave me lemons, but then I'd have to lament about how much I miss that sour soul-curling wonderful-ness that is lemonade. So instead, you get a baseball analogy. 

Rest assured, I couldn't throw a cotton ball right now, let alone a curveball. 

About 2 weeks ago, I was part of the "minding my own business" club when all of a sudden, my body decided it didn't want fluids anymore. It wasn't enough that my stomach is lazy, but it also opted to live the life of dehydration. Woohoo! 

So 2 days of no food and no water, one call to the doctor and 8 hours in the ER later, I ended up being admitted to the hospital! 

These were snapped in the ER.

Let me take a moment now to say how lucky and blessed I have been. So many people with gastroparesis are not diagnosed until their first or second hospitalization. I have been diagnosed since January or and this is my first hospitalization. In addition, while I've lost nearly 50lbs since my symptoms began, I am not so thin that you can see all my bones. Because really, bones scare me. Yikes.

But anyway, I digress. While in my lovely stay here at the Inland Empires finest community

(This is my sarcastic face) I have had about 13,000 tests. And about 12,000 complications, because. Well. This is me we're talking about.

Here has been my stay, bullet style! 🔫

• I still have Gastroparesis. While this is not a surprise to me, I am happy to get this diagnosed again. Confirming that I am not crazy. My guts really are lazy!

• In an effort to treat me and get me home, my physician ordered a PICC line. (A peripherally inserted central catheter (PICC or PIC line) is a form of intravenous access that can be used for a prolonged period of time (e.g. for long chemotherapy regimens, extended antibiotic therapy, or total parenteral nutrition).) This line was inserted in my right arm, 

And I was to get TPN - Total Parenteral Nutrition to feed me. But. Because this is still me which we speak of... Less than 12 hours after the PICC was placed, I developed blood clots. Of course I would. So out the PICC came 

And onto blood thinners I went. And then all my veins were like "hey, we don't want to work either" so they all decided to collapse or blow anytime a line was placed!

Which kind of puts us in a difficult place. I need the nutrients, but another PICC line is out of the question for right now, but I don't have a standing line. So hey, I may get pretty skinny!

We should hear tomorrow about a transfer to a better hospital or if I get to go home! 

• I am a one-of-a-kind patient. Which is doctor speak for "we have no idea!" Not only do I have Gastroparesis, but I also have Enteroparesis. My stomach is lazy and so are my small intestines! No idea what the treatment plan is for that but I have my handy dandy guide

And I'll just have to modify to make my guts start... Gutting? Is that a thing?

• I have come to love the smell of fresh flowers! 

I have been spoiled. 🌻🌺🌷💐

• I have had 5 roommates so far. 4 have had to have gallbladder surgery. 3 are new moms. I was unaware that birthing a baby makes your gallbladder go kaput. So maybe that can be fixed? 

• I've had some awesome nurses and some punks. 

• I am convinced that a shower can fix a lot of things. Gastroparesis and Enteroparesis are not one of those things. Because. Well. Those are two different things. I'm not sure how to correctly pluralize that sentence grammatically.... Nevertheless. I showered for the first time in a week and a half. I feel like I washed away Ebola!

Look, I also have no lines! (Look how swollen my right hand is😖) my last two lines blew. Yikes! I think I get to go the night without a line and they'll try again tomorrow. Maybe with an IJ (internal jugular) Lance!! Come to CA and start this line for me!

A small tangent about IVs in the hospital. In the ER, they started a 20 gauge IV. 

, which is the pink one. That is a reasonable size for all the drugs and medications they give me. Nurses here are terrified of anything that isn't yellow or blue. Unfortunately, because my TPN is thick, every IV has infiltrated and I now have nothing worth sticking until my veins can heal. In the ambulance, we rarely start anything smaller than an 18. At least, I rarely did. I've learned an important lesson. There is no pain difference between a 24gauge IV and a 14 gauge. Both pierce the skin. The pain comes from the skill (speed at which) the person who is poking you has. If they go slow. It hurts. If they try locating blood in your nervous system, it hurts. But the pain isn't worse if they use different needle sizes. At least in my experience. Which after the week I've had, I'd say I'm almost an expert. (Level Expert comes once I learn what the real name of the hand cuff vein is.)

People keep asking what they can do to help. First and foremost, I hope you know how grateful and humbled I am that you want to help. Second, go read Ephesians  1:16 and know that that scripture was written for you. I make sure to thank my Heavenly Father all day everyday for you. All I need are your prayers. Some of you may not be the praying type. Pray anyway. Not for me. Pray to talk to the One who can fix everything. Pray to the One who loves perfectly and judges righteously. Tell Him your worries, your desires, your fears, your failures, your triumphs. Tell Him everything. Jesus Christ is real. He has borne all for you. He has borne all for me. And everything, EVERYTHING that has been lost because of mortality will be made right through the Atonement of Jesus Christ. That is a promise that you can hang your hat on.

This means, I will get to eat a lot in the hereafter. I hope there is lots of bacon and pizza and fish and sushi 🍕🍖🍔🍗🍒🍓🍍🍦🍟🍣🍤🍧🍭🍪🍫🍫🍱🍰🍯

If you find yourself in the area, I'd love a visit! Or if you can spare a moment I'd love an email or a text or a phone call! Being stuck in the hospital can get pretty lonely.

Here are some other pictures so you can experience some corona regional goodness! 

Job knows what's up ❤️

Kelly came and painted my toes and rubbed my feet. Just because! 

Some art to decorate my room ❤️ I have many more open spaces. All homemade drawings are accepted! 

First hair wash! That was an experience!

I love that they put these for fall risk patients ❤️

This painting depicts the Savior guiding a surgeon in what appears to be a major surgery. 

Jesus the Christ is in fact the chief of all medical staff. He decides when it's my time to go home to Him. He decides when I'm well. No physician here can take His place or change His say. 

Ultimately, when all is said and done, I have been blessed with so much more than I deserve.