18 September 2015
ToWhy should we read the Scriptures or go to Institute? Because that's how the Lord speaks to us! That's how we are protected!
Last night in Institute we talked about how we can have a stronger testimony of Christ (by studying daily from the Scriptures.) Then seemingly out of the blue, our teacher asks "Do you think there were fence sitters in Heaven?"
My heart started pounding.
You see, when I was a teenager I was assaulted. I responded in the only way I knew how, which was to completely shut down. I reached out very timidly for some comfort and was told that sometimes "these things happen because of something you need to repent for."
Now, I was 17. Shy. Well behaved. I was a good kid. "Then maybe this happened because of something that you are..." Was the reply.
I was devastated. And from that moment on, I was convinced that I was inherently evil and somehow managed to sneak by and convince Jesus that I was on His team, versus Satan's team. For years, I've studied about the war in Heaven. I've studied about the Plan of Salvation (for more information on these and many other topics see Mormon.org) I wondered if I could be part of the 1/3 hosts of heaven that were cast out but somehow managed to make my way here instead.
Why do I go to Institute? Because my Father knew that underneath my hope and faith, there's always that seed of fear that I am not a good person. That I am inherently bad.
"Were there fence sitters?"
"Have you ever wondered why you were sent to Earth at this specific time? ... you are a choice spirit who has come forth in this day when the responsibilities and opportunities, as well as the temptations are the greatest... You [are] worthy and willing to carry on the responsibilities of building the kingdom of God and preparing the World for the Second Coming" Elder Neil L. Anderson.
Would the Father send a fence sitter at a time when He needs His people to be "All in"?
This may sound rudimentary to most, but after years of searching and studying and hoping and praying, now I know that I wasn't a fence sitter. I am all in. And I always have been.
That's why I go to Institute. And why you should too.
17 September 2015
I'm grateful for friends and family, movies and crafts, books and homework.
I'm humbled by the support and love I've received, the books, the crafts, the thoughts and the prayers. I'm grateful for each Priesthood holder that offered to give me a blessing. I'm grateful to each person who spared a thought, who sent a text, who made a phone call, who offered a prayer on my behalf. I am so grateful.
The last almost month has been. Eventful. I've had one doctors appointment, one test, I've spent hours on the phone with insurance as well as in attempt to schedule an appointment with a motility specialist. I've had my medications changed, seen miracles happen and plans fall apart.
I've fought with insurance and the doctor to keep my prescription of Zofran from emptying, I've fought the good fight.
I have been protected, and loved on, entertained, pacified, calmed, and comforted.
I have found peace in the Scriptures. I have found solace in prayer. I have found that if you tell your best jokes to Father, He will make you feel funnier, if not to anyone else, than at least to yourself. I have found more comprehension in Gospel studies. I have found time to devote to my Savior.
It hasn't all been roses. I've been to the ER, I've been discouraged, frustrated and in pain. I've hugged the toilet through the night, praying the dry heaves will stop long enough to get some sleep. I've thrown up so violently that I'm pretty sure my toe nails managed to be ripped through my body and out of my mouth. I've gone stir crazy from feeling well enough to be out of bed, but crummy enough to be unable to go out and do real life things.
But in this process I've learned a lot! My stomach empties faster than my intestines. I am slightly obsessed with all things pumpkin-flavored this autumn. I've learned that Swiss Miss vanilla pudding is the best, but darn near impossible to find. Peanut Butter was an addiction before, now it's a staple in my diet. This is evidence that The Big Guy loves me! I've learned that Ensure is gross, and Orgain is delicious. I've (sort of, almost) learned to quilt by hand! (Next is a jean quilt, so if you have any jeans that you want to donate, I'm accepting!)
There are things I never would have learned without this fun experience with Gastroparesis and Enteroparesis. There are people I never would have met. I can't say that I would have picked this path if it had been up to me. I probably would have picked the path littered with unicorns pooping rainbows and butterflies. Alas, I got the path littered with projectile vomiting, incredible people, faith I never could have expected.
Also, I've learned to love bananas.
My latest trip to the ER. My little friend there kept going in and out of Bigeminy.Then they brought in the Pediatric crash cart. They SAID it was because I had the biggest room and they needed a place to put it. I maintain that it was a short joke.
My Boulder fell out.... Socks and flip flops. Well. I guess you can take the Dibe out of Boulder.
There were many students. Med Students, Nursing students, EMT students. It was fun to watch how the shine of the shoes differed with seasoned medics versus green green EMTs.