09 September 2011

I believe in Christ, so come what may

What a rough week this has been. What a rough week indeed.

Monday I got an email saying that my Grandma (though true to Southern style, we called her Mama) died. It wasn't exactly unexpected, but it wasn't really expected either. She had a blood disorder, similar to leukemia, but not quite. Her health tanked pretty quickly and she died. There was a lot of guilt, still is. Guilt that I didn't call when I knew I was being prompted to call and check in. To talk one more time. Guilt for not sharing the Gospel. Then there was guilt because I know she's better now. Not hurting, not suffering. And yet I would rather her be alive. Pretty awful right? What kind of granddaughter would rather Mama be alive and hurting, than better. It's been painful and difficult to swallow the news. I am eternally grateful though, for the knowledge and the testimony of the Plan of Happiness. Because even if I'm hurting, even if I feel guilty, even when I feel like falling apart, I have a testimony of the Savior and the Plan. And that gives me hope. With that knowledge, I can survive this.

Wednesday, I was at work and had acute onset 9/10 pelvic pain. I tried to deal with it. I tried to push through it. Then I started feeling light headed, and I was vagaling from the pain. My pulse rate dropped to 54 and I was pale and cool. I was so miserable. I convinced my partner to take me to Urgent Care. Turns out I had a cyst on my ovary that burst. OW! In case you're wondering, bursting ovarian cysts, hurt. A lot. Alot. Not a little. A lot. Yeah. miserable. But I was still having pain. A lot of pain. Also, I was super dehydrated because I haven't been able to keep much down. So, I bought myself an IV and a liter of fluid. And then my blood work came back. My labs were off. Not critically off, but off enough that the MD was nervous. So she sent me straight away to Boulder Community for an Ultra Sound.

(Side note, funny story. The Ultrasound tech microwaved (or something like that) the gel that she put on my belly then started checking my lady parts with the wand of awful-ness and there it was... a heart beat! WHAT?! That is physically impossible! Seriously! Unless they rename me Mary and an Angel appears to me, it is not possible!! I started freaking out! I looked over and the tech was laughing. A lot. Apparently that's her favorite prank to pull! It's a good thing she doesn't know me too well, otherwise I'd prank her back. And I've never lost a prank war. As our Elders. We won.)

I was then instructed to sit in this chair and wait. Until what, I wasn't sure. But to sit and wait. So I sat. And I waited. And then a phone rang. I looked up the hall. Nobody. I looked down the hall. Nobody. I looked at the phone and fought the urge to answer "Harry's morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!" instead, hesitantly answered the phone. "yuh.... Hello?"
"Hi, DiAnne?" The voice on the other end said.
God? I wondered.
"... Yeah...?"
"Hi this is Dr so-an-so, I just finished reviewing your Ultrasound and it shows that you have a cyst on your right ovary. It's a complex cyst, meaning it's full of fluid and solid material. you need to go see your doctor in the morning for a follow up. They'll do more tests. okay?"
"uh.. okay.." Solid material? What kind of fluid? What tests? What do the suspect?  I wondered as the doctor hung up.

The next afternoon, I walked to the doctor where they told me "We're going to do a CA125 and regular CBCs and an H and H as well as a blood panel."
I nodded. "What is the CA125, and what are you looking with everything else?"
"CA125 is a screening for Ovarian cancer. We're checking if you're anemic, we want to know what your white blood count is."
"woah woah woah woah. Cancer? What's the likelihood that I have cancer?" I ask.
"It's serious enough that this test needs to be done."
"Is it conclusive?" I ask
"No, this test is what they give women who are already diagnosed with Ovarian cancer to make sure it's not coming back."
Uh... okay?
So I find out Monday if I have cancer. Or I'm closer to knowing if I have cancer.

Darn lady parts. Funny, I've been telling people I don't think that childbirth is natural like they seem to say. And now with the potential for that to be taken away, I want to have kids. Not anytime soon. But I want kids.

Rough week.

I need a hug.