09 February 2012

Trust. yikes

I feel like in every direction, my ability to trust has been attacked. Well, just questioned. I am an extremely private person. My problems are just that, MY problems, something that nobody else need hear about. And that's always been fine, that's always been me. Determined to be a lifter and not a leaner. Until I acknowledged that I don't trust people. 
It's not that I don't LIKE them, I genuinely love people and genuinely like people, but I've learned that you can do that without trusting them. I am a master of pushing people away. In a way that they don't realize they're being pushed away. They just know that they aren't close to me. I guess there are people out there who say I come across and snobby and rude. For that, I apologize, I never thought that that's how it would come across. 
I've described it before, most people throw up walls to protect them. I built walls, and then a fortress, and surrounding that is a crocodile-filled mote (with a black night for good measure), and surrounding that is a giant field full of land mines and other obstacles to discourage anyone and everyone to WANT to get close. I haven't wanted to even consider getting across these defenses. I was happy in my fortress. Or rather, I was safe. Then I caught a glimpse of real life. And fortress life wasn't enough anymore. I dreamt of days outside those walls. Where people could see me and things would be swell. But I himed and hawed and decided I knew where it was safest.

Then I decided I really wanted to be out and about in the world. But by then, I didn't know how to start. I've pushed people away so long, that most people just stay away now. Can you blame them? I can't. It's like the friend you constantly ask to hang out and they always say no, so finally you just stop asking. People have finally stopped asking. And that's fine, I made my bed, now I either have to lie in it, or change it. 

But that requires trust. A trait I do not possess naturally. To trust people enough to be vulnerable is really kind of terrifying. If I give someone else my heart, I have to trust that they aren't just going to rip me up. Chew me up and spit me back out. Scary? I think yes. Especially since I don't know if I've ever actually trusted someone with that before. But, when the Spirit speaks (or if it's a 2X4 moment ***) you kinda gotta listen. And that's when I realized that I wasn't limiting that trust to people. I guess I figured that if I was going to be proud and stubborn, I would make it count. 

Being an adult and recognizing these things and knowing I have to fix it, if I want it fixed... I wouldn't have thought myself mature enough for that. 

Quote from Evan Almighty

Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other? 

When I've asked to Trust, I expected to feel trusting. But now I get it. I'm being given the opportunity to trust.

Lead Kindly Light

Lead Kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom
Lead thou me on
The night is dark and I am far from home
Lead thou me on
Keep thou my feet I do not ask to see
The distant scene, one step enough for me

I was not ever thus, nor prayed that thou
Shouldst lead me on
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead thou me on
I loved the garish day, and spite of fears
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.

So long thy power hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till the night is gone
And with the morn those angel faces smile
Which I have loved long since and lost a while

Man, this song should have a dedication: Written for Dibe Hall - who needs to swallow some pride. 
You see, I don't give up control. Ever. For anything. 
Every situation. Every day. Every moment, I need to be in control. Who knows best to protect me, than me? It's my job to protect me and to keep me happy. Nobody else's. But the thing is, I don't know best. This world is full of darkness. I am not the light. The Light is Christ. HE knows what's best. So why have I tried to take control from Him? That's just silly. He knows best. 

I sense a lot of change coming. And I feel like it's going to hurt. But the night IS dark, and I am far from home. But He will lead me on, if I just stop and let Him. 

I like to see all the answers. All the steps. But you know what. One step is enough.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thin own understanding
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

So - be patient. I'm learning. I mean it when I say I've never done this before. So i'm not really sure how this works. Patience and understanding (and a healthy dose of extra loving) would be great!

06 February 2012

The end of an era

Me: Ahhhh, best season of all!
Buddy: *looking horrified* you hate the snow. And the cold
Me: Oh, I do. *distastefully glares at the 16 inches of snow outside*
Buddy: So why is this the best season of all?
Me: Oh. No. Not winter... Girl Scout Cookie Season!

Today at 7:01, (okay, so more like 0730) Lance and I finally transitioned from partner-friends to real-life friends. Bittersweet. Truly. When you have someone as a sounding board, as your partner in crime, your confidante, they become, in many ways, more than family. The dynamics of a partnership are hard to explain. Because when you explain something with "oh well he's my partner." If the person you're talking to doesn't know. They don't get it. no matter how hard to try to explain.

Let me try to pull the curtains back on this one. It's important to understand these dynamics to really understand why a partner change is a tough pill to swallow. And of course, this is all contingent on if your partner and you jive.

Imagine, if you will.
You are having a really rough day. You've been up for 26 hours, you've only eaten food the hospitals have in their meager lounges (stale chips, another ham sandwich on soggy bread and if you're lucky, some apple juice), you've been berated by nurses for being too early, too late, just on time (but they were expecting way late or way early). Your patients have verbally assaulted you. Family members of patients have barked orders at you, cried, screamed, and in some cases, required your attention as well. And all through this, you have to remain cheerful, professional and understanding. You look at your partner and roll your eyes, knowing that they know what that eye roll meant. "If she doesn't stop talking, I'm going to blast polka music the whole way to the ER." or "If I don't get some real food soon, I may become homicidal."
Your partner and you get so close that your partner knows to keep talking to you, lest you fall asleep driving on your 6th blood draw of the night.
When all hell has broken loose, when a patient is actively dying, you and your partner have to become the same person, in 2 bodies. Able to function for the other person in the space that no other profession would work in. Always 2 steps ahead of the step you're on, to know what the other person is going to need.

Your partner knows you well enough to know when to pry, and when to let you silently cry. They know when to let you vent, and when to plot revenge with you.

Now imagine you've just seen some of the worst things you can imagine. The kind of thing that normal people would never be able to stomach, and having to get up and do it again tomorrow. The kind of thing that can literally break a person. And know that you can't tell the people at home, because you have to protect them. So when you go home and your family asks how your shift was, you tell them simply "It was fine." Your partner is the one who understands that. Who knows what you went through, because he was right there next to you. Watching the woman die. Explaining to that wife that her husband of 50 years is dead. Dreading the report and explaining all the bruises you saw on the 7 year old. They become your therapist. Often those relationships are described as work marriages. You fight like an old married couple, because after a year and a half, you've been through more together, than many marriages will see in a lifetime. You know exactly what buttons to push to annoy the other, and exactly how to make them laugh.
The bond between a good partnership is hard to describe, because there's really nothing else like it.
Your lives intertwine so much. Lance's girl friend, one of my very best friends. His whole family knows me. And my family all knows him.

So, while I'm super excited for Lance, it's sad to see that go. Because we won't be the same person anymore. He's going to Golden. He'll have his own calls. A whole new partner, and new adventures. It's hard to see that go. He's more than just my friend, he's my partner. A brother.
Strangely, I'm not panicky like I thought I would be. I don't handle change well. I don't like when things get different on me. It makes me feel like I'm losing control of my life.

But this time. I'm not panicked. I'm excited for some change. I'm excited for the future. That in and of itself kind of freaks me out, I'm not that mature. I him and haw at anything new and gripe about it. So to be excited. Wow. Weird. But, anyway, here's to the future.

My new partner is a giant! Lance and I had him for a day in training. He brought with him the 3rd rider cloud. Which meant, no calls for 12 hours. It was glorious. But I got along with him really well personally. He's a giant! Like 9 feet tall or something like that (9 feet really means something like 6'5" or something equally tall) I don't know what it is with putting me with giant medics. But it seems like I will be Mutt and Jeff again. Time to break out those comics again. Lifting will prove to be a challenge, I see us getting really close to fire, really quickly.

As they say, when God shuts a window, He opens a door. 
I wouldn't trade the last 18 months for anything. I've learned so much about life, about medicine and about myself. Like saying hello to police officers on the PA, and watching them climb halfway out of their window to wave back. at 2 in the morning. 

Taking command of a fire, as an ambulance isn't necessarily a good idea, but having a size-up with "serious flammage" would produce free dinner for... forever. 

Dibe's can be measured by the Broslow tape... 

Don't click the mic when you're talking about going emergent to Childrens'. 

"Welcome back guy" was a nice guy. We miss him. But niner guy is pretty hilarious too. 

Random dance parties at city intersections (and people wonder why we got a long so well)

Lance is the nice one, I'm the intimidating one. 

During the C0R, get rid of extra noise... 

Never leave your phone unattended and unlocked!

I can't fully describe how grateful I am for the last 18 months. For the friendship I've built and the color that's been added. From K*Love to Blink 182. From Shenanigan music (you know you loved it, Lance) to Sunshine matches. Avista command and 3 day vacations of coloring. One of the big things I've learned in the last 18 months, that my partner was an example of: Adversity, if handled correctly, can be a blessing in our lives. We can learn to love it.

So here's to the future. Come what may, and I'll love it.