20 October 2016

Printer Surgeon

There are things I never expect to happen in my life. 

Experiences I don't expect to... you know... experience

Places I don't expect to go

People I don't expect to meet

Words I don't expect to say

I currently work 2 jobs. I'm an office assistant, which is a fancy way of saying "I'm the chair weight. The smiler and angry people. The cheerer of the annoyed. The sorter of the paper. The answerer of the phone. (and when nobody is around to witness) the singer of the Pandora." 

Today... I was the surgeon of the printer. This is not exclusive to today. Surgery occurred yesterday as well. Apparently I'm a crappy surgeon. It doesn't help that my co workers would always walk in during unfortunate exclamations of "What the crap is that?! Has that been there this whole time?!" 

And "I bet this printer doesn't even NEED that spring... Nothing has sprung from there in ages!" 

And my personal favorite while talking to myself "Scalpel!" 

"Uh... Dibe, who are you talking to?"

Me: "You are fired. I pay you to be my surgical assistant and you show up late to this intricate surgery, I had to put my own gloves on (they were trash bags, because we don't have gloves in my office...) I had to tape together my own paper towels to make this surgical gown... I had to blow my OWN nose." I glared accusingly at him.
 Why do I even pay you?!

Him: It was just too emotional for me. I'm too attached to this printer. I'm sorry!

Well, how can I fault him, I've been there, man. Sometimes you have to distance yourself from the patient. 

This was also the time about 300 people came in to order filters. That they needed RIGHT NOW. Actually yesterday, but they failed to place the order yesterday. Or come in. So now they're late. And I'm elbows deep in printer guts. (and breathing in powdered ink. Can you get Ink Pneumonia? What about Printer Flu?)

I hastily put the printers' anatomy back together haphazardly, and attempted to look professional (hard to do when you have made surgical gear out of "hazard" duct tape and paper towels. Never fear, my dear humans, I had a face mask, gown, gloves and eye mask.) 

As I sat all professional like behind my desk, the customers looked at my desk and the handful of printer parts that weren't actually included inside the printer anymore all judgey. 

"uh... You forgot some pieces..." One brave soul commented.

"Are you a printer surgeon too?!" I asked. "These are deceiving little pieces. Like the appendix. And spleen. And the bottom 2/3 of your liver. You dont NEED them to function. Except the Liver. Because, it's in the name. LIVE-r..." These are like they, the un-needed, the un-wanted. This one explodes and kills the whole thing. It's a dirtbag!"

Strangely, my brother (the printer version, not Alex, Jeremiah, Jared, Job or Joe) has gone to the great printing press in the sky... In my surgical apprenticeship, I removed portions of its anatomy that were required for living. 

That said, I submit that it was dying anyway! I just sped up the process so that I could replace it sooner! 


In other news, I had to scrape my windshield this morning. Correction, I had a completely frosted windshield but have denied the existence of that much cold and have yet to buy a window scraper. (I'll go tonight, just so that I don't have to sit inside my car like a frozen idiot with a broken library card that smashed when you tried to scrape the windows and frozen fingers because you also don't own any gloves.)

So to protest the cold, much to the dismay of every human, I'm listening to Christmas music. Yes, in October. I'm fully aware that this is basically a sin against humanity. Except is it? Because Christmas music is really just Jesus music. And I for one am a fan of Jesus. And if it's not Jesus its music about winter. Which is cold. And snowy. The former of which applies. So Basically, I can listen to whatev'r I want! 

Apparently by new company policy though, I'm not allowed to try to convince people to stay to entertain me by serenading them with "Baby it's cold outside."

"But baby you'll freeze out there!
You're up to your knees in ink in here!"

I have this little heater under my desk that keeps my toe to my belly button warm. (except that I'm short so it's more like my toes to my armpits) but the rest of me is always freezing! I think my decision of winter music is sound. 


Essentially, my life is pretty uneventful with occasional bursts of hilarity and awkward that entertain and amuse the masses. Unfortunately those situations are usually not involved enough to warrant an entire post. 

So here are some highlights over the last little bit:

On Saturday my roommates were on a double date watching a scary movie. I was grouchy and decided to not subject anyone to that and I went to bed early. I woke up just before midnight to my front door slamming loudly. I don't know what Dream Dibe was doing, or what was going on in that dream but the strobe lights that were going on outside my window were, in my mind, obviously aliens who had come to abduct my roommates. Said aliens were dirtbags and instead of quietly abducting them, they slammed my front door closed. I was sure that was what happened! Positive. So much so, that I started crying. 

Yeah... Once Dirtbag Dream Dibe left Awake Dibe alone, I realized that the strobes were in fact the police conducting a felony arrest and my roommates were not abducted by aliens.. Great times!

~~~~ Okay, so that's the only highlight that comes to mind at the moment. But there will be more, I'm sure.

UPDATE! I have a new printer coming tomorrow!! Brilliant!

ADDITIONAL UPDATE: I just had a dirtbag come in and get all snarky with me because I "didn't remember who he [is]!" Yeah... He came into the wrong building. Dirtbag.

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