Utah

Life in Utah has been a whirlwind of adventure, excitement and shenanigans, much like the rest of my life!

As always, I have no idea if anyone but my sister reads this (someone has to limit my comma usage) but again, as always I don't really write for you, I write for me. It's cathartic, it's pulls me out of my head (and other places if I'm being ornery) and it lets me be. Well. Me. 

That said, if you don't like it, don't like what I say, how I feel, what I think. Don't read it. Or read it and get angry if that's what you choose to do. 

I've been a resident of Utah for almost two weeks and it has been an overwhelming blur of adulting. 

I left California on Tuesday night after many hard and tearful goodbyes and drove to St George. On the way, something pretty cool happened. I was toggling between being excited and nervous to being heart broken and devestated about leaving behind a place full of people that hold my heart and love . I was dreading crossing the California/Nevada state line. What if I never come back? What if I'm not wanted back? I panicked. But as It was time to move on, so move on I must. It was dark and as I was driving across the state line, I saw the most dazzling and bright shooting star that I have ever seen! (Also it's the first one I've seen in over 3 years!). The Lord and I have had this agreement. When I've been the most down, when the world has tried to break me and When my heart and mind have tried to convince me that He doesn't know me, doesn't love me, doesn't care, and neither does anyone else, He has sent a shooting star. I'll sit outside and watch the sky, brooding, or crying, or praying and when I'm at my lowest, the Stars start to cry with me (at least that's what I felt.) and it just became a symbol to me, a reminder that He loves me enough to send me a second. A couple of seconds of light in my darkness. Just to remind me He's there. 

I had been listening to an audiobook about early Mormon prisoners and one of the pioneers who has lost so much and suffered so greatly said something that whispered across my heart and mind, "we must go on, whether we can or not." 

Anyway, the next morning I continued my drive to Salt Lake, met up with Ashlie ❤️ and signed my lease! We unpacked a little, got a smoothie and eventually I went to sleep. 

Thursday was job day. I was going to find a job! By Saturday, I'd had 3 interviews with two more lined up! 

Sunday was church. And let me tell you about Sunday in Utah. It's nuts! We meet at the institute building. Which is HUGE! Apparently 3 STAKES meet there. Three. Stakes! There are 4 chapels so 4 sacraments can happen at the same time. Yeah. There are a lot of humans there! Thankfully my roommate knew where to go and what to do. I had no idea! I met some people. Learned some stuff. Sang and prayed.

Here's another tidbit. Apparently Utah has no diversity. I've been told that since I knew what Utah was (not a urinary tract infection for southern accented folks). Well, my ward has it all. All the diversity. All of it! My ward is like a smorgasbord of the world and I'm kind of in love with it! Also, my wards name is the Riverside YSA ward, which is my home YSA ward. It makes me both really excited and kind of homesick! 

Well, at church they announced a missionary fireside. I like missionaries. I should go! I thought! Plus, it would be nice to make friends! 

This was my Facebook update for how THAT went...

There Was a fireside tonight. I think to myself "self you should go, make friends! But whatever you do, don't say things!" 😑

They asked for experiences of where we would be if we didn't have the gospel, and the Spirit was like "get up. You have things to say!"

Me: "No, I can't say things in public. It will be bad!"

The Spirit: "Stand up!" 

Me: "Are you sure?"

The Spirit: "yeah, I'm pretty good at these things!" 

I stand up, "well, for those of you who remember the show cops, my family was on that show. (Laughter) we weren't the good guys... (Lots of laughter) so without the Gospel and the Lord being so individual, I'd probably be a national celebrity... And in prison..."

I sit down and groan to the spirit "really?!"

The Spirit: "hahahahaha"

Great introduction to the stake presidency, Hall...."

Yeah. For those of you who may have forgotten in the last 4 years or 2 weeks, I am the most awkward person I know! 

I am now gainfully employed! I work as an office assistant at an air filter company. It's a pretty fun environment and once I learn what I'm doing, I won't be so stressed out I think!

Let's see...

Oh yeah! The school cancelled my semester. Dirtbags. It's more annoying than anything else, I have to delay insurance and you know, learning. But I should be able to start in the fall.

Overall, I'm really liking it so far! I've had some really great days, and days that I've been so stressed and lonely.

One of the greatest tender mercies in that, is that on those days I've struggled the most, the days that I'm too tired to call, too worn out to reach out, there has always been a phone call, a text message, an email from someone just reminding me that I am not dead to them yet!

Here's to more adventures! 

Tender Mercies of family

Can you imagine going through triad alone? Without the support of your family or friends? So can I, and it sucks.

The second best and most incredible blessing (is the gospel according to Dibe) is the family. The first being the gift of Jesus' sacrifice for all mankind. 

In the Plan of Salvation, we learn that we are literal spirit children of God. He is our Father. We are a part of HIS eternal family. Bound to Him, not because of Faith or Choice. We are His because He created us. Like earthly parents create our bodies, Our Father created the REAL us: our Spirits. (Like CS Lewis used to say, you do not have a soul. You ARE a soul, you have a body)

What our parents created is beautiful. Bodies that give us an opportunity to learn and to grow. A chance to live on earth and love, and hurt. 

But what they created is temporary. Our time here on Earth is temporary. (That's why we put "Just passing Through" on my fathers head stone)

What our Father in Heaven created doesn't end. Who we are isn't what we look like, it isn't gluten intolerances, our bad lungs, injured spines, feeding tubes, wheelchairs or depressions. Who we are boils down past our bodies, to the Spirit that God created. 

But I digress. Families. In order to live with God again, we must make covenants or promises that bind us to our Earthly families. How genuinely merciful is that?! 

The Lord could have intended is to be here on Earth and to fight through our afflictions and to celebrate our triumphs alone. After all, how many species leave their mothers minutes, days after their birth and never think of them, never see them again? Yet He allows us to not only have support through mortality, He lets us have those people forever!

I think, next to the Atonement, that eternal sacrifice, families are the greatest evidence of His mercy and love for us. 

Not everyone though has a good family. Drugs. Alcohol, pornography, adultery, and a myriad of other things can tear families apart. Greed, pride, depressions. And yet in His infinite kindness, He promises us a way. He places people in our path to bless us and uplift us and He reminds us that we are part of His eternal family. 

I'm so grateful for eternal families! 

Everything happens for a reason

There are a lot of things that people say that are well-intentioned, well-meaning and utterly infuriating to me. 

Two of those are,

"God won't give your more than you can bear."

And 

"Everything happens for a reason."

I do not believe everything happens for a reason. I think there is a reason everything happens, but that is different.

I believe in a Heavenly Father who is all loving. I just can't see a loving Heavenly Father telling one of His precious children "yeah, you're going to die of starvation because you were born in the poor side of the world. But everything happens for a reason." 

I can't accept or believe in a God that insists that rape, abuse, assaults and the like were predestined, and that they were given to YOU because you were strong enough to handle it.

You may argue that the scriptures tell us that, that we won't be given more than we can handle. Please refer to 1 Corinthians 10:13 which states: 13 There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.

I do believe that. That I will not be tempted to sin beyond what I am able to withstand and bear. 

I reject the theory, however that I will never have a trial beyond what I can bear. I reject that teaching. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe when I get to he other side, Heavenly Father will take me in His arms and explain why some people suffer their whole lives while others seem to float through life with ease, at His say and His command.

That's not to say He can't intervene or that He won't. I think it has to be His will to step in and prevent something or step in and cause something to happen. 

But Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ, they are both not only all loving, they're all knowing. They know the blessings that can come from terrible things. Perhaps that's why they don't always intervene. Perhaps they know how you will bless the lives of others because of your own suffering.

(2nd Corinthians 1:3-7 Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort;

4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God.

5 For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ.

6 And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer: or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.

7 And our hope of you is steadfast, knowing, that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation.)

I think the whole purpose of Jesus suffering in the Garden of Gethsemane, dying on the cross of Calvary and rising again in the tomb of Golgotha is to take away all the things we were not, are not and will not be able to bear alone. 

If I could bear all things, I would not need a Savior. He suffered for more than just my sons (which are plentiful) He suffered for every cut, every bruise, every pain, every sorrow, every fear. Everything that I could not and cannot bear alone. 

I just can't accept a loving Father would plan a life for someone to be full of heartbreak after agonizing heartbreak.

Rather, I know that we are imperfect. People make bad decisions and God will not take away someone's right to choose. Because of that, bad things happen. (To the good and the bad.) we also live in an imperfect world where we are able to get sick in our imperfect bodies. I don't believe a loving Father would give somebody cancer or lupus or miscarriages or nerve damage to teach them a lesson. Our bodies are imperfect, the world around us is imperfect. 

But Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ can take our suffering and make it something more. He can take a survivor of a brutal attack and inspire them to turn around on their path and help another to survive. 

He can take someone suffering from cancer, and heal a wound in their hearts that hey never knew was there.

Suffering doesn't have to be in vain. He can orchestrate a beautiful blessing out of some really crappy situations. 

I've found that those beautiful blessings have come from my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ through others. Others who have travelled this path that I've stumbled down, or people who just wanted me to know that I'm not alone traveling. 

The blessing in trials is that you don't have to be strong enough to deal with it alone. You were never meant to overcome trials alone. That's why we are all here together in our imperfect bodies. 

He is strong enough. And He will send His toughest, kindest and most loving warriors to help you. 

I'm not strong enough. I am no where near strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be. And that's okay. 

Live Like you were dying

This week in class we were assigned to write a bucket list. Coincidentally, living with Gastroparesis, people ask me frequently what I want to do before I die. 

More than anything, I want to matter. I want to leave behind a legacy. It's selfish and I know that, but I don't want to be forgotten. I want someone in the world to know that I lived.

Now don't worry, I'm not being especially morbid. I recently made a promise that I would live at least 60 more years, so I guess you all are stuck with me a while longer. 

You know, having a chronic illness has taught me a lesson about mortality. You only get one of them. But I also am learning that fear is stupid. Nervousness is stupid. How much more would I have done if I hadn't been afraid, afraid to die, afraid to fail, afraid of rejection. The good thing is, now I can live that way. I can live without fear. I firmly believe in the quote 

"Life is not a journey to the grace arriving in a well preserved, attractive body. One should show up late, skid in sideways screaming, 'WAHOOO!!! WHAT A RIDE!'" 

I want to live authentically, be me. Just me. 

And without further adu, my bucket list. 

1.Get married

2. Have children

3. Adopt a child

4. Go to Jerusalem

5. Meet the Prophet

6. See Rome

7. Walk into an Egyptian pyramid

8. Solve a mystery

9. Help someone enter the waters of baptism

10. Graduate college

11. Play the cello

12. Publish a novel

13. Help someone overcome their hell

14. Invent something epic

15. Help children with similar pasts

16. Own a monkey

17. Hug a koala

18. Ride an elephant

19. Do a handstand without breaking my head

20. Become excellent at repenting

21. Become an expert at forgiving

22. Love without fear

23. Sing to more than just the steering wheel

24. To witness someone learning of Heavenly Fathers’ love for them for the first time

25. Surf

26. Lay in a hammock, drinking a slush out of a coconut

27. Make a difference

28. Join an organization that changes lives

29. Learn 3 languages

30. Go to every temple in the country

31. Go to at least one temple per continent

32. Go to a temple dedication

33. Run a half marathon, without dying.

34. Quilt a blanket

35. Knit a neck tie (that someone would actually wear because it was awesome and not because they feel obligated to me!)

36. Watch a sunrise from the top of a mountain

37. Watch a meteor shower from the back of a pick-up

38. Go on an African Safari

39. Be actively involved in humanitarian aid efforts

40. Own a home

41. Run a day care

42. Go on a cruise

43. Go to the Wizarding world of Harry Potter

44. Go to Disneyland and ride the rides until I puke

45. Learn to let it go, the past is in the past

46. Do the Lords’ work. In any capacity. 

47. See Wicked live on stage

48. Skydive, and live

49. Matter

50. Shoot a shotgun

SIDS test, Gastroparesis, psych eval. All in a day's work

934: I've been in the valet parking line for 15 minutes! I'm not a self entitled brat, not usually anyway. I just am fully hydrated and really want to be less so. But that ought to be done in a restroom, rather then the driver seat of a car..

1000: whew relief. In a building. With my car safely and freely parked by someone who hopefully won't lose it like I would have!

1005: "hi what are you here for?"

"The annual Christmas party! They said they'd have live koalas to cuddle this year!"

The receptionist looks slightly horrified and also offended that nobody invited her. 

"Um... I don't think that's today..." She was clearly trying to assess my mental health. Get in line, lady. So is everyone else!

"Are you sure? I have the invitation right here!" I replied and pulled my orders for my SMART study. "Oh, you're right. Today is my SMART pill study! I guess the koalas are next week!"

More blank stares.

"No really, Dr. So-and-so ordered this test. I looked it up last night and WebMD knows about it so I know it's a real test! I'm swallowing pills with cameras in them so they can record my guts!"

Alarmed looks, now the lady is poised by what I assume is the panic button. I'm intrigued, will a trap door open in the ceiling and ninja drop in and karate chop my orders in half? I take a half step back (which for visual help, is more like a quarter step back because I have little legs)

"Yes miss. Please go sit down, we'll... Investigate... And call you back up..." 

It's okay, tonight they'll go home and tell heir family about the crazy midget who wanted to cuddle koalas instead of having a photo-op of her guts. You're welcome family.

1050: I'm regretting my shenanigans. But only slightly. Mostly because I think the two receptionists are have a fierce thumb war, then rock, paper, scissors war to see who has to deal with me. I'll make it easier for them, I'll just get back in line. Poor humans.

"We... We don't know anything about this SMART test. But I don't think it's done here." The other receptionist tentatively said. They decided to tag team me. They're both helping me. (Safety in numbers? Buddy system? Who knows.) 

1100: my phone rings. UCI is calling me. Weird. I'm at UCI. I look up to see one of the receptionists in the phone, staring in my general direction. 

"Hello?" (This is much better than the greeting we used to use when we were kids and trying to intercept calls from school trying to report bad grades or bad behavior with "Harry's morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!" That I was tempted to use.)

"Hi, this is J----, I'm the nurse for your doctor. I'm not seeing this test you're talking about. The receptionist felt it would be easier to understand coming from me." She said hesitantly.

"Oh dear. Im sure this is where I'm supposed to go. The lady on the phone told me l was to come to this building, this floor, at this time. She was really secretive about it so maybe she thought I was her drug dealer. I'm not though. A drug dealer. Unless you want some anti puking pills. Except I couldn't sell you much because without them I would barf all over you."

"Really?" She questioned. 

"Well, technically she told me to show up any time Wednesday, Thursday or Friday. So that would have been a terrible drug deal. But otherwise, here, this place." 

"Let me look...." 

I wondered for long it would take me to get kicked out. 

 A moment later she nearly shouted into the phone "OH!! A SIDS test!" 

"Huh? No, I was told it was a SMART study." I told her.

"Yep, that's this! You need to go to the main building, next to the ER!" She said triumphantly.

This seemed like a trap. I was told specifically to come to this building, this suite. They were probably going to send me to the psych building...

"I'm sure I need to be here. That's what the lady told me. And she didn't say anything about a SIDS test. And what's more, why are you trying to test me for a sudden infant death syndrome. I may be short and lack certain mature personality traits, but I'll have you know, I'm taller than my 8 year old niece!" (Barely.) 

She sighed. 

A few minutes later, I found myself in the basement of the main building surrounded by people who had the same birthday as me. Not kidding. How we got to talking about it, I'm unsure. But the madness was put to a stop as I was trying to organize everyone by birth year. True story. 

A tall scrubbed man came in, called me by name and told me to follow him. 

"Okay. But you know, I'm not crazy. This all started because of a joke. I don't actually NEED to see my friends with the white jackets. Although, I wouldn't say no to a hug. But from myself seems a bit selfish."

He stared. "What kind of test are you here for?"

"Well, I came to the other building for a SMART study. But apparently I'm supposed to be here. But now they're saying its for a SIDS test."

"Oh yes. That's us." He said, relieved that I was making some sense to him

Another few minutes later and I was in a hospital gown with this beauty in my hand:

Those are markers that will stay in my guts and tell someone that in fact I DO have gastroparesis. They will not decide if I died suddenly in my infancy. 

An X-ray, a few snarky comments and some concerned looks later, And a peek at the orders to make sure I wasn't going to be kept on a mental health hold (turns out it's called a SITZ test. Similar sounds, total different meaning!) and I finally escaped. I mean, left.

I must return on Sunday, to the ER this time. I made them write down UCI Emergency Room With the date and time I was supposed to be there and sign it. But I left it behind along with a fascinating article about gluten-free diets fads. 

And this ladies and gentlemen is why I shouldn't be allowed in public.

Dream Dibe is a dirtbag

Some people have alter-egos. Some people claim voices, blame hormones and PMS or mental health difficulties. Some people cite shoulder angels and Devils for their decision making process.

I try to be pretty honest with people. "I'm kind of a dirt bag, I'm just really good at hiding it!" 

It turns out, my dirtbaggery is conditional. On sleep. 

No kidding.

There was a day that I woke up and my feet were covered in grass, my bed room door was locked and the back door was swinging open. 

"Clearly I was abducted by aliens!" I reasoned.

"Or kidnapped and when they realized that holding me for ransom would not only NOT yield a financial gain, but that they'd most likely end up paying to give me back, they snuck me back in bed before I ever woke up!" I was sure some kind of tom foolery had taken place.

Later that morning, as I was climbing the stairs at work, my Fitbit told me that I had accomplished my daily goal of waking 10,000 steps. 

Weird... I've only been awake for about and hour and a half... I checked my GPS, apparently Dream Dibe was feeing a little cooped up, and went for a late night stroll. A 3 mile stroll. Thanks Dream Dibe, getting my exercise whilst asleep.

A week or Two later. I awoke and something was amiss. 

This says: Dear Dibe. Look down! Do you know where your ring and necklace are? I do. Good luck. Game on! Dream Dibe.

Sure enough, when I looked down, my necklace and my ring were missing. I searched everywhere and a few days later, I found my necklace folded up in a pair of socks. The ring is still at large. 

A few nights ago, I dreamed a dream. A dreamt that my arm had been amputated in a horrific accident, after a quick recovery, Dream Dibe was angry. Angry and bitter. Not because of an amputation. No. Dream Dibe was pissed because she had an Arsenal of great one-legged jokes and zero one armed jokes. She was angry that the right limb hadn't been destroyed.

So there you have it. Dream Dibe (much like Awake Dobe) values a good joke over necessities like walking. 

Fence sitters for Christ!

ToWhy should we read the Scriptures or go to Institute? Because that's how the Lord speaks to us! That's how we are protected!

Last night in Institute we talked about how we can have a stronger testimony of Christ (by studying daily from the Scriptures.) Then seemingly out of the blue, our teacher asks "Do you think there were fence sitters in Heaven?"

My heart started pounding.

You see, when I was a teenager I was assaulted. I responded in the only way I knew how, which was to completely shut down. I reached out very timidly for some comfort and was told that sometimes "these things happen because of something you need to repent for."

Now, I was 17. Shy. Well behaved. I was a good kid. "Then maybe this happened because of something that you are..." Was the reply.

I was devastated. And from that moment on, I was convinced that I was inherently evil and somehow managed to sneak by and convince Jesus that I was on His team, versus Satan's team. For years, I've studied about the war in Heaven. I've studied about the Plan of Salvation (for more information on these and many other topics see Mormon.org) I wondered if I could be part of the 1/3 hosts of heaven that were cast out but somehow managed to make my way here instead.

Why do I go to Institute? Because my Father knew that underneath my hope and faith, there's always that seed of fear that I am not a good person. That I am inherently bad. 

"Were there fence sitters?"

"Have you ever wondered why you were sent to Earth at this specific time? ... you are a choice spirit who has come forth in this day when the responsibilities and opportunities, as well as the temptations are the greatest... You [are] worthy and willing to carry on the responsibilities of building the kingdom of God and preparing the World for the Second Coming" Elder Neil L. Anderson.

Would the Father send a fence sitter at a time when He needs His people to be "All in"?

This may sound rudimentary to most, but after years of searching and studying and hoping and praying, now I know that I wasn't a fence sitter. I am all in. And I always have been.

That's why I go to Institute. And why you should too.