Trust. yikes

I feel like in every direction, my ability to trust has been attacked. Well, just questioned. I am an extremely private person. My problems are just that, MY problems, something that nobody else need hear about. And that's always been fine, that's always been me. Determined to be a lifter and not a leaner. Until I acknowledged that I don't trust people. 
It's not that I don't LIKE them, I genuinely love people and genuinely like people, but I've learned that you can do that without trusting them. I am a master of pushing people away. In a way that they don't realize they're being pushed away. They just know that they aren't close to me. I guess there are people out there who say I come across and snobby and rude. For that, I apologize, I never thought that that's how it would come across. 
I've described it before, most people throw up walls to protect them. I built walls, and then a fortress, and surrounding that is a crocodile-filled mote (with a black night for good measure), and surrounding that is a giant field full of land mines and other obstacles to discourage anyone and everyone to WANT to get close. I haven't wanted to even consider getting across these defenses. I was happy in my fortress. Or rather, I was safe. Then I caught a glimpse of real life. And fortress life wasn't enough anymore. I dreamt of days outside those walls. Where people could see me and things would be swell. But I himed and hawed and decided I knew where it was safest.


Then I decided I really wanted to be out and about in the world. But by then, I didn't know how to start. I've pushed people away so long, that most people just stay away now. Can you blame them? I can't. It's like the friend you constantly ask to hang out and they always say no, so finally you just stop asking. People have finally stopped asking. And that's fine, I made my bed, now I either have to lie in it, or change it. 


But that requires trust. A trait I do not possess naturally. To trust people enough to be vulnerable is really kind of terrifying. If I give someone else my heart, I have to trust that they aren't just going to rip me up. Chew me up and spit me back out. Scary? I think yes. Especially since I don't know if I've ever actually trusted someone with that before. But, when the Spirit speaks (or if it's a 2X4 moment ***) you kinda gotta listen. And that's when I realized that I wasn't limiting that trust to people. I guess I figured that if I was going to be proud and stubborn, I would make it count. 


Being an adult and recognizing these things and knowing I have to fix it, if I want it fixed... I wouldn't have thought myself mature enough for that. 


Quote from Evan Almighty


Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other? 






When I've asked to Trust, I expected to feel trusting. But now I get it. I'm being given the opportunity to trust.


Lead Kindly Light


Lead Kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom
Lead thou me on
The night is dark and I am far from home
Lead thou me on
Keep thou my feet I do not ask to see
The distant scene, one step enough for me


I was not ever thus, nor prayed that thou
Shouldst lead me on
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead thou me on
I loved the garish day, and spite of fears
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.


So long thy power hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till the night is gone
And with the morn those angel faces smile
Which I have loved long since and lost a while




Man, this song should have a dedication: Written for Dibe Hall - who needs to swallow some pride. 
You see, I don't give up control. Ever. For anything. 
Every situation. Every day. Every moment, I need to be in control. Who knows best to protect me, than me? It's my job to protect me and to keep me happy. Nobody else's. But the thing is, I don't know best. This world is full of darkness. I am not the light. The Light is Christ. HE knows what's best. So why have I tried to take control from Him? That's just silly. He knows best. 


I sense a lot of change coming. And I feel like it's going to hurt. But the night IS dark, and I am far from home. But He will lead me on, if I just stop and let Him. 


I like to see all the answers. All the steps. But you know what. One step is enough.


Proverbs 3:5-6


Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thin own understanding
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.


So - be patient. I'm learning. I mean it when I say I've never done this before. So i'm not really sure how this works. Patience and understanding (and a healthy dose of extra loving) would be great!

The Great Return!

Well! I made it! I'm going back to work in the morning! And I couldn't be happier! I am so so excited! I love that I get to go do the ambulance thing again.

But you know what? I've learned something important over the last 9 weeks. I am not defined by what I do. Sure, I'm an EMT. I love my job. I love that I get to be around people all the time, and it's one of those jobs where I really get a chance to make a difference. To matter. To somebody. But that's not WHO I am. If my job ended tomorrow, I'd be upset, probably pretty devastated. But, I am more than an EMT.

It's funny, I had a partner a while back that would sit and talk with me about some pretty deep things. (He and I used to have some awesome debates) and we discussed how the worst trials end up being the best blessings. And I always forget that when I'm going through the trial. But then after, I realize how essential it was to changing me. And I'm all for changing, so long as it's for the best.
I cursed my luck after my knee injury. I was stressed and worried and upset and about a million other emotions, most of them not so pleasant. It was a huge trial of faith.
Trust. That is something I don't do. For anyone really. It's just how it is. It's who I am. I'm always determined to make it on my own. These last 9 weeks have been a real challenge to let go of a lot of that pride to really figure out who I am. And you know what, I wouldn't trade a second of it! I am so grateful for the last 9 weeks, for the time it's taken me to learn who I am, and to grow closer to my Father in Heaven, to grow closer to my family. It's been a blessing indeed.

And blessing that I'm back to work 3-4 weeks early! What!!
I have been blessed, with more than I deserve!