Trust. yikes

I feel like in every direction, my ability to trust has been attacked. Well, just questioned. I am an extremely private person. My problems are just that, MY problems, something that nobody else need hear about. And that's always been fine, that's always been me. Determined to be a lifter and not a leaner. Until I acknowledged that I don't trust people. 
It's not that I don't LIKE them, I genuinely love people and genuinely like people, but I've learned that you can do that without trusting them. I am a master of pushing people away. In a way that they don't realize they're being pushed away. They just know that they aren't close to me. I guess there are people out there who say I come across and snobby and rude. For that, I apologize, I never thought that that's how it would come across. 
I've described it before, most people throw up walls to protect them. I built walls, and then a fortress, and surrounding that is a crocodile-filled mote (with a black night for good measure), and surrounding that is a giant field full of land mines and other obstacles to discourage anyone and everyone to WANT to get close. I haven't wanted to even consider getting across these defenses. I was happy in my fortress. Or rather, I was safe. Then I caught a glimpse of real life. And fortress life wasn't enough anymore. I dreamt of days outside those walls. Where people could see me and things would be swell. But I himed and hawed and decided I knew where it was safest.


Then I decided I really wanted to be out and about in the world. But by then, I didn't know how to start. I've pushed people away so long, that most people just stay away now. Can you blame them? I can't. It's like the friend you constantly ask to hang out and they always say no, so finally you just stop asking. People have finally stopped asking. And that's fine, I made my bed, now I either have to lie in it, or change it. 


But that requires trust. A trait I do not possess naturally. To trust people enough to be vulnerable is really kind of terrifying. If I give someone else my heart, I have to trust that they aren't just going to rip me up. Chew me up and spit me back out. Scary? I think yes. Especially since I don't know if I've ever actually trusted someone with that before. But, when the Spirit speaks (or if it's a 2X4 moment ***) you kinda gotta listen. And that's when I realized that I wasn't limiting that trust to people. I guess I figured that if I was going to be proud and stubborn, I would make it count. 


Being an adult and recognizing these things and knowing I have to fix it, if I want it fixed... I wouldn't have thought myself mature enough for that. 


Quote from Evan Almighty


Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other? 






When I've asked to Trust, I expected to feel trusting. But now I get it. I'm being given the opportunity to trust.


Lead Kindly Light


Lead Kindly Light, amid the encircling gloom
Lead thou me on
The night is dark and I am far from home
Lead thou me on
Keep thou my feet I do not ask to see
The distant scene, one step enough for me


I was not ever thus, nor prayed that thou
Shouldst lead me on
I loved to choose and see my path; but now
Lead thou me on
I loved the garish day, and spite of fears
Pride ruled my will. Remember not past years.


So long thy power hath blest me, sure it still
Will lead me on
O'er moor and fen, o'er crag and torrent, till the night is gone
And with the morn those angel faces smile
Which I have loved long since and lost a while




Man, this song should have a dedication: Written for Dibe Hall - who needs to swallow some pride. 
You see, I don't give up control. Ever. For anything. 
Every situation. Every day. Every moment, I need to be in control. Who knows best to protect me, than me? It's my job to protect me and to keep me happy. Nobody else's. But the thing is, I don't know best. This world is full of darkness. I am not the light. The Light is Christ. HE knows what's best. So why have I tried to take control from Him? That's just silly. He knows best. 


I sense a lot of change coming. And I feel like it's going to hurt. But the night IS dark, and I am far from home. But He will lead me on, if I just stop and let Him. 


I like to see all the answers. All the steps. But you know what. One step is enough.


Proverbs 3:5-6


Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thin own understanding
In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.


So - be patient. I'm learning. I mean it when I say I've never done this before. So i'm not really sure how this works. Patience and understanding (and a healthy dose of extra loving) would be great!

I am grateful for 2011

What happened in 2011. Let me tell you.

January!

I had torn my ACL in November of 2010, and finally got around to having knee surgery in January. The initial surgery date was 08 Jan. I got everything all set up, my mom and my brother and Amanda (my best friend since 2nd grade!) were all waiting for me! As they got me into pre-op, I began feeling incredibly anxious. Not unusual, I don't give up control easily, and to give up my control to even breath, scary! So I informed the nurse that I would need something for anxiety. Ativan, Valium, Versed, Haldol. I wasn't picky. Something to calm me down. My anesthesiologist, who has to order the meds, was in surgery so we had to wait. In the meantime, the nurses would be proactive and start the IV and hook up some Lactated Ringer (normal electrolytes that are in the body) The second the LR started dripping in, I couldn't breath. I was tripoding, my SATs were dropping, my anxiety climbing, and the nurses attributed it to my anxiety.

"This is different" I told them. 

"You're fine" They replied, brushing my concern off. 

The anesthesiologist hurried to my bed side when I couldn't improve. He questioned my medical history, took my vital signs and finally told me "You aren't having surgery today."

"What?! WHY?" I was mad, scared as I was, I wanted this done. 

"If I put you under, with the problems you're already having, you will end up in the ICU with aspirated pneumonia."

Angrily, I went home. I was already off crutches. I'd been working with the broken knee. I was functioning fine. Was this a sign that it wasn't worth the surgery? I had been nervous enough. And then I had this problem?

Research (with the help of Kristen, my friend and partner's girlfriend) told me that the reaction I had to the LR, should only ever happen to 80's + people with severe renal problems. I am 22. With asthma. 

I don't know why I had a reaction that I shouldn't have had. but I did. And surgery was cancelled. 10 days later, I was rescheduled with the condition that the surgery be performed in a hospital (maybe the operating room being accessed through a back alley way should have been my first indication that the first place wasn't the right place. :-P) and regular saline be given instead of OR. Also, easy access to an ICU.

I went into surgery terrified. But after a few prayers, a blessing and a lot of support, I survived. I actually went into the Operating room calm. The only sign of weakness was when I asked the OR aide to hold my hand while they put me under. 

It took me 7 days to transition from crutches to a cane. and 3 more to hobble relatively well solo. 

The following 2 months are a blur of 3 a day Physical Therapy. pain medication and knitting. What an adventure that was! But, I was healing quickly! In fact, my surgeon expressed deep concern when I told him that I had a timeline. I had to be back to work in 12 weeks. 3 months. 3 months to go from broken to whole. Or whatever level of whole I could obtain again. 

"Dibe, I would give you 8 weeks before you could get back to a desk job. But YOUR job? ... I don't want to give you false hope. I don't think it can be done." He told me. 

I knew different. Not because I had faith in my super-human healing, but because I HAD to. My mom had always proven to me, necessity can make things happen. Things that normally wouldn't otherwise. I trusted that, I'd seen it work time and time again. I HAD to be back, and so, if I worked hard enough, it would. 

I left PT crying most days, it hurt. I was discouraged. I didn't feel strong enough. 

I left PT most days with my physical therapist wondering how I was progressing to the point I was. 

"Alright, so the plan is for your first session, Dibe, is to see where you're at. Don't get discouraged, but we don't expect you to be able to complete any of these tasks yet."

I nodded. Wrong thing to say to a perfectionist. Anything I couldn't accomplish, I would take personally.

3 reps of 20 stretches. Check 

Hamstring stretching (scooting on an office chair with wheels across the floor about a hundred times!) Check

Passive motion to 90 degrees. Check. To 100 degrees? ... check "Dibe, your knee is able to bend at 120 degrees... That shouldn't be possible yet"

I met his challenge.  "Dibe, I want to try something. I want you on the bike. Slowly, with no resistance. I just want to see if you can make a full rotation." 

I did. And when his back was turned, added resistance.

Success! 

JAN 25: First step without crutches

Jan 28 ish : walking sans cane! FREEEDOM!!!!! (I really tried to get my surgeon to order a perscription for a  cane with a hidden sword. When he said no, I tried to convince Mike to get a cane so we could duel. He said yes. You decide who is cooler!)

(FEB 10: Gladys, my trusty - not so reliable - 1994 Mercury Sable went to the big race track in the sky. A moment of silence, if you will.) 

Feb 16: Rode my bike for the first time since surgery! Made it to the end of the block and had to turn around. 

(March 03: I got to meet Elder Melchin of the 70. Cool experience! My ride kind of forgot about me. And while I sat outside trying to figure out what to do (could my knee handle a 13 mile walk home? Prolly not.) Elder Melchin and President Williams traversed outside and sat with my until a ride could come and get me. Epic.)

Finally, my 6 week post-op appointment.

"Aw, my little dancer!" (blasted dance off. Unless you're a Jet or a Shark, they'll get you everytime) He inspected the knee. Pulled, pushed. bended. Had me shake, rattle and roll. Finally, in a huff he stomped out of the room. Only to return bewildered. 

"When was your surgery?" He demanded. 

"Jan 18th" 

"No it wasn't."

"Yes sir. I was there. Incidentally, so were you." 

"Can't be." He responded. "You look like you're at 12 weeks, with how healed you are. Not 6 weeks."

I grinned. "Does this mean I can go back to work?" I asked. 

"I want you to take another 2 weeks of physical therapy. If you can get Brian's approval, you already have mine. Here's a note for work. and for Brian." 

I smiled and thanked him

"I don't know how you did it, Dibe. But I've never seen anyone recover like you have. If I could bottle that, I'd be rich."

(If he bottled it, the level of bad luck could be a weapon of mass destruction. But who asked me :-P)

Brian, also astonished, wanted another 2 weeks of maintenance therapy for the knee. And So it was. at 8 weeks, a full 4 weeks early, I passed the lift test and returned to work! 

May 18th: Took and passed the AMR lift test!!

May 23rd: Returned to work!!

May 24th: second day of the tour. Easily one of the most difficult days. Had to call a patient. 0722. The time she died. That was tough. I've seen people die. But this one hit me hard, 

March 27: learned God loved me. Best. Feeling. Ever. Thanks be to my home teacher for that, for honoring His Priesthood, and listening to the spirit. And not letting me push him away. Rock star  Home Teacher!

April (7th) First impression to go on a mission. Yipes. Really? Has the Spirit met me? I don't teach. I don't know how to teach. I don't trust myself to teach... Must have been an errant thought, 

 April (25th) Talked to Bishop about these endless "errant thoughts" of a mission.

May 1: Osama bin Laden. Deader than doornails. (What on earth does that phrase mean? Why doornails? Are they more dead than other dead things?)

May 4th I wrote in my journal: "Don't you quit. Don't you quit. There are blessings ahead." Thanks Elder Holland. Sometimes I need a reminder! 

May 28th: Finished the Bolder Boulder 1:54:3584 My goal was 2 hours. 6 minutes faster than my goal!

June 15th: We were asked in our Institute class to write down what he wanted on our head stones when we died. This is what I'd decided at the time: "Dibe Hall; missionary, friend, servant. Daughter of God; "Just passing through"

I'm weird sometimes

June was a tough month in the ward. family deaths of close friends. Stress. That kind of thing

June 8: Finally admitted to myself that I needed to go on a mission

June: Alex's birthday!!!!

July 8th: a gal I used to work with, good friend from the theatre, Cassandra, died. alcohol poisoning. that hurt. 

Called to teach in relief society. Poor girls. 

July 9th: Transported a patient with Tuberculosis. Got exposed. Yipee! After several frantic texts and phone calls. The Elders showed up at my apartment to give me a blessing.  

2 positive readings and 2 negative readings later. I was clear. For now

July: Seth's birthday! 

August: went to a church dance. Didn't hate it too much. I was shocked. 

We may or may not have (and absolutely DID) begin a prank war against the Elders. There were many involved. We gather ideas from people from all walks of life. Including Sister Bishop. Take that Elders. High up's were involved!

August: Tess's birthday!! YAY!!!!

End of August: Creeped to Greeley to feed the brother unit, and Elder Allred. It was his birthday. 

September 5th: Mama, my paternal grandmother. Died. Fairly devestated. Tried to be strong and keep it together. Failed

I was at work when I found out. I was having fun at the Taste of Colorado. Then that email came. I knew I wasn't far from losing it. So I told my partner that we needed to talk to the supervisors so I could leave. They wouldn't let me. I can't tell you how utterly demoralizing and devestating that was. My own superiors in a company equipped to deal with the worst of anyone else's emergency, refused to let me deal with mine. I was more angry than I can remember being. If you know me, you know I have varying degrees of anger. If I'm silent, I'll get over it soon. (if the situation requires a simple 'sorry' to smooth things over, I don't like to get angry. Not worth it.) If I'm yelling at you, be frightened. If I'm crying. Don't expect me to ever trust or respect you again. I hit level three in .03 seconds when they refused to let me go home

Two days later, I was back on shift, planning a trip for the funeral and feeling miserable. Toward the end of the first day, I suddenly went pale, cool, sweaty and dizzy. Turns out, I had a cyst explode on my ovary. That wasn't fun. At all. 

We went to Florida not long after for the funeral. Tough. Really tough. But it was great to be surrounded by family. I got to meet my Uncle Steve, who is quite a riot.

Also, the Denver temple was under construction, and had been since August, so I decided to do what I do best. Run from the problem, straight to the temple. So I ended up going to the Birmingham Alabama Temple. Amazing. It was a great experience. The temple president thought I was 16. 

October: 

Trip to You-Tah!! with two of my favorite girls, Becca and Lee! It was incredible! We got to sing with the Prophet of God!! saw so many great things, learned a lot of history! We got to go to the SLC temple! 

November: After some clerical errors and drama added with some confusion and a healthy dose of frustration, the Hall family is starting to be pieced together again! Temple work started! and in true show of Christlike love, my home teacher went out of his way to make sure my Dad and my grandpa's work got done. I truly am blessed!!

December: 

Mom's birthday! We love her!

Christmas: On duty. Lance and I rocked no sleep! 

Overall verdict for the year. Grateful. So many blessings to make the few rough patches that much more tolerable. 

20 things I'm grateful for:

1. A partner who is tolerant, compassionate and tough enough to deal with me! Easily one of my best friends, and one of the most decent guys I know (don't tell him that)

2. The Savior and His atoning Sacrifice for me. Being blessed to learn His love for ME. 

3: My family. No matter how dysfunctional, no matter how much we push each others' buttons, I love them. Very much. 

4. My friends. Before this year, I had a lot of aquiantences,  I had people I cared about, but I had only a few friends.Maybe more people counted me as a friend, but I didn't trust enough to count them as such. This year, I have friends. I haven't felt very lonely this year. I am blessed. 

5. Being an EMT. I get to interact with so many of God's children. People think that it's because I get to save lives. But really, every day, they're saving mine. I am the lucky one here. 

6. Prayer. Prayer changes things. 

7. the knowledge of forever. Truly. I would not have survived this year without the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. Truly, the plan that leads to happiness.

8. My home teachers this year. Who have gone above and beyond the responsibilities of their calling to bless me, to support me and to show me that Heavenly Father loves me. For being examples of righteous men. For knowing me well enough to know when to push me, and when to just support me. Mostly though, for not letting me push them away, like I've done with everyone else. 

9. My Visiting teachers. For midnight phone calls. for random baked goods just because. For the love they show me that reminds me of Jesus and His love. 

10. For leaders who see me. Really see me. For better or for worse. and for not letting that influence whether or not they like me. 

11. For the Scriptures, which I am learning are able to be directly applied to me and my life, but also direct me on how to be a better follower of Christ. 

12 For the many blessings that I don't even recognize. And the countless ones that I do. 

13. The Priesthood and those who worthily wield it. For their love for the Savior and the sacred responsibility to bless others with it. 

14. For my bike: without which, getting to work would take me all day. 

15. The Simple things.

16. For hard times, I may not be grateful for them now, but I imagine they (the infamous they) will be right, when I'm through all this and looking back, I'll see the benefits.

17. For living next door to an ER. Since that happened, I have seemed to need it less. Hallelujah

18. Recertifying as an EMT. Come January, I still have a job!

19. Music, there are songs out there that say exactly what I didn't know how to communicate. 

20. For the Truths most worth knowing. (Nov 2011 CES fireside. look it up.)

Can ye feel so now?

When my work life gets hectic, crazy and unstable...
When I fall into a funk of insecurity...
When my lungs don't want to work...
When my lips don't want to smile...
When my funny bone has taken off...
When I just can't stand to study a moment longer...
When I have exhausted myself to the point of ... exhaustion...
When I have reached a level of silly never before recorded...
When the snow starts to fall..
 and people start to act dumb on the roads...
When we get called to one accident after another...
When things just don't seem to be going right...

A night at the fire house, making fun of the X-factor with the boys. Everything starts to feel like it is as it should be. And I'm reminded of how blessed I am. And that if I have once felt to sing the song of redeeming love, can I feel so now?

You Raise Me Up

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit awhile with me

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


I have been a slacker, I'm aware. Unfortunately, my car, who I insulted one too many times,  kicked the bucket, managed to get word to my computer and my smart phone. The result, you might ask? If I plug the computer (named S'ven) he sparks. Ask the scorch marks on my bed spread, the one that pretty much caught fire. That was fun. My smart phone, Gladys? She cracked and then decided to start eating texts and voice mails. So, now I'm virtually disconnected with the world. That is both a liberating and debilitating feeling. Oh well, I have enough people in my life who text me if anything exciting is happening in the world!

Life has been rather eventful as of late. I picked up a second job, which so far, I enjoy. I do a lot of walking, a lot of joking, and a lot of hand washing. But I work with some great people. Aside from being so physically exhausted and emotionally drained, I've been spiritually fed. I am so grateful for my Home Teachers, I'm so grateful for the missionaries in my area.

I have learned an awful lot about myself this week. I also have decided that I need to learn to be a better story teller.

The big news though, is this. I should be submitting my mission papers by December. I am going on a mission. Don't worry, it was a surprise to me too. I fought it for a while. I can't say that I think I'll be a good missionary, I'm far too lazy, often too apprehensive to speak, too personal to refrain from hugging people. Yeah, it'll be tough. And yet, I get butterflies in my stomach, the size of pterodactyls, every time I think about it. I start almost jumping up and down, and I haven't even submitted my paperwork yet!

My plan/goal is to recert my EMT and CPR, so that they'll last until I get home, and then start working again and work toward getting my Fire 1. But, we'll see how that works. Right now, I'm working my tail off in two jobs, to get everything I owe paid off. Then I'll start saving money for the mission, then I'll purchase the clothes I need and off I go! I anticipate being able to put my papers in by December.

One of these days, I'll tell you the story of how this all kind of fell into my lap, but for now, I should go work.

I am grateful for the Savior, He raises me up!

"the invisibility booster must be faulty!"

That chair is laced with a sleeping potion. This became apparent when I learned that there are magical folk lurking, I'm onto you, wizards of station 1. I'm onto you....

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At least today is over... Bring on tomorrow. I need a sunrise.

Unwritten

"Every day is another page that's added to my story
Sometimes it's like, I see my life open right before me
More than all the chapters of my life,
I'm thankful for what's not in black and white

For the roads I've never traveled, for the pain I never knew
For the places that you kept me from, Father I thank you
For the days that were not wasted,
For the days that were not spent in vain
I'm grateful for the days that remain, unwritten

Through twists and turns, Lord I've learned
Any place I'm going, you're mercy's been with me in
Always that I could know and through the miles and all I've seen and done
there's so much you have protected my heart from

For the roads I've never traveled, for the pain I never knew

For the places that you kept me from, Father I thank you
For the days that were not wasted
For the days that were not spent in vain
I'm grateful for the days that remain, unwritten

From cover to cover I've been sheltered by your grace
for so long, in so many untold ways

For the roads I've never traveled, for the pain I never knew

For the places that you kept me from, Father I thank you
For the days that were not wasted
For the days that were not spent in vain
I'm grateful for the days that remain, unwritten"

Hilary Weeks's "Unwritten"

Today was one of those days that reminded me that I need to show more gratitude. I could have ended up a lot worse, under the circumstances. So here's a list of gratitudes:

• Not being internally decapitated
• Not being externally decapitated
• The music that bouy's my weary heart up
• Friends that do the same.
• Always and forever, my family. All crazy, insane, infuriating members of my family.
• The Gospel.
• My work, that allows me to make a small difference in somebody's life every day.
• The determination and perserverance to make it through anything.
• Finding that I don't need anyone to survive, but that I have everyone I need to thrive.
• Knowing that part of being happy is the choice to be happy
• Learning my weaknesses, and through them, learning my strengths.
• Living in a place where outside activity is plentiful
• Learning who I am.