I am grateful for 2011

What happened in 2011. Let me tell you.

January!

I had torn my ACL in November of 2010, and finally got around to having knee surgery in January. The initial surgery date was 08 Jan. I got everything all set up, my mom and my brother and Amanda (my best friend since 2nd grade!) were all waiting for me! As they got me into pre-op, I began feeling incredibly anxious. Not unusual, I don't give up control easily, and to give up my control to even breath, scary! So I informed the nurse that I would need something for anxiety. Ativan, Valium, Versed, Haldol. I wasn't picky. Something to calm me down. My anesthesiologist, who has to order the meds, was in surgery so we had to wait. In the meantime, the nurses would be proactive and start the IV and hook up some Lactated Ringer (normal electrolytes that are in the body) The second the LR started dripping in, I couldn't breath. I was tripoding, my SATs were dropping, my anxiety climbing, and the nurses attributed it to my anxiety.

"This is different" I told them. 

"You're fine" They replied, brushing my concern off. 

The anesthesiologist hurried to my bed side when I couldn't improve. He questioned my medical history, took my vital signs and finally told me "You aren't having surgery today."

"What?! WHY?" I was mad, scared as I was, I wanted this done. 

"If I put you under, with the problems you're already having, you will end up in the ICU with aspirated pneumonia."

Angrily, I went home. I was already off crutches. I'd been working with the broken knee. I was functioning fine. Was this a sign that it wasn't worth the surgery? I had been nervous enough. And then I had this problem?

Research (with the help of Kristen, my friend and partner's girlfriend) told me that the reaction I had to the LR, should only ever happen to 80's + people with severe renal problems. I am 22. With asthma. 

I don't know why I had a reaction that I shouldn't have had. but I did. And surgery was cancelled. 10 days later, I was rescheduled with the condition that the surgery be performed in a hospital (maybe the operating room being accessed through a back alley way should have been my first indication that the first place wasn't the right place. :-P) and regular saline be given instead of OR. Also, easy access to an ICU.

I went into surgery terrified. But after a few prayers, a blessing and a lot of support, I survived. I actually went into the Operating room calm. The only sign of weakness was when I asked the OR aide to hold my hand while they put me under. 

It took me 7 days to transition from crutches to a cane. and 3 more to hobble relatively well solo. 

The following 2 months are a blur of 3 a day Physical Therapy. pain medication and knitting. What an adventure that was! But, I was healing quickly! In fact, my surgeon expressed deep concern when I told him that I had a timeline. I had to be back to work in 12 weeks. 3 months. 3 months to go from broken to whole. Or whatever level of whole I could obtain again. 

"Dibe, I would give you 8 weeks before you could get back to a desk job. But YOUR job? ... I don't want to give you false hope. I don't think it can be done." He told me. 

I knew different. Not because I had faith in my super-human healing, but because I HAD to. My mom had always proven to me, necessity can make things happen. Things that normally wouldn't otherwise. I trusted that, I'd seen it work time and time again. I HAD to be back, and so, if I worked hard enough, it would. 

I left PT crying most days, it hurt. I was discouraged. I didn't feel strong enough. 

I left PT most days with my physical therapist wondering how I was progressing to the point I was. 

"Alright, so the plan is for your first session, Dibe, is to see where you're at. Don't get discouraged, but we don't expect you to be able to complete any of these tasks yet."

I nodded. Wrong thing to say to a perfectionist. Anything I couldn't accomplish, I would take personally.

3 reps of 20 stretches. Check 

Hamstring stretching (scooting on an office chair with wheels across the floor about a hundred times!) Check

Passive motion to 90 degrees. Check. To 100 degrees? ... check "Dibe, your knee is able to bend at 120 degrees... That shouldn't be possible yet"

I met his challenge.  "Dibe, I want to try something. I want you on the bike. Slowly, with no resistance. I just want to see if you can make a full rotation." 

I did. And when his back was turned, added resistance.

Success! 

JAN 25: First step without crutches

Jan 28 ish : walking sans cane! FREEEDOM!!!!! (I really tried to get my surgeon to order a perscription for a  cane with a hidden sword. When he said no, I tried to convince Mike to get a cane so we could duel. He said yes. You decide who is cooler!)

(FEB 10: Gladys, my trusty - not so reliable - 1994 Mercury Sable went to the big race track in the sky. A moment of silence, if you will.) 

Feb 16: Rode my bike for the first time since surgery! Made it to the end of the block and had to turn around. 

(March 03: I got to meet Elder Melchin of the 70. Cool experience! My ride kind of forgot about me. And while I sat outside trying to figure out what to do (could my knee handle a 13 mile walk home? Prolly not.) Elder Melchin and President Williams traversed outside and sat with my until a ride could come and get me. Epic.)

Finally, my 6 week post-op appointment.

"Aw, my little dancer!" (blasted dance off. Unless you're a Jet or a Shark, they'll get you everytime) He inspected the knee. Pulled, pushed. bended. Had me shake, rattle and roll. Finally, in a huff he stomped out of the room. Only to return bewildered. 

"When was your surgery?" He demanded. 

"Jan 18th" 

"No it wasn't."

"Yes sir. I was there. Incidentally, so were you." 

"Can't be." He responded. "You look like you're at 12 weeks, with how healed you are. Not 6 weeks."

I grinned. "Does this mean I can go back to work?" I asked. 

"I want you to take another 2 weeks of physical therapy. If you can get Brian's approval, you already have mine. Here's a note for work. and for Brian." 

I smiled and thanked him

"I don't know how you did it, Dibe. But I've never seen anyone recover like you have. If I could bottle that, I'd be rich."

(If he bottled it, the level of bad luck could be a weapon of mass destruction. But who asked me :-P)

Brian, also astonished, wanted another 2 weeks of maintenance therapy for the knee. And So it was. at 8 weeks, a full 4 weeks early, I passed the lift test and returned to work! 

May 18th: Took and passed the AMR lift test!!

May 23rd: Returned to work!!

May 24th: second day of the tour. Easily one of the most difficult days. Had to call a patient. 0722. The time she died. That was tough. I've seen people die. But this one hit me hard, 

March 27: learned God loved me. Best. Feeling. Ever. Thanks be to my home teacher for that, for honoring His Priesthood, and listening to the spirit. And not letting me push him away. Rock star  Home Teacher!

April (7th) First impression to go on a mission. Yipes. Really? Has the Spirit met me? I don't teach. I don't know how to teach. I don't trust myself to teach... Must have been an errant thought, 

 April (25th) Talked to Bishop about these endless "errant thoughts" of a mission.

May 1: Osama bin Laden. Deader than doornails. (What on earth does that phrase mean? Why doornails? Are they more dead than other dead things?)

May 4th I wrote in my journal: "Don't you quit. Don't you quit. There are blessings ahead." Thanks Elder Holland. Sometimes I need a reminder! 

May 28th: Finished the Bolder Boulder 1:54:3584 My goal was 2 hours. 6 minutes faster than my goal!

June 15th: We were asked in our Institute class to write down what he wanted on our head stones when we died. This is what I'd decided at the time: "Dibe Hall; missionary, friend, servant. Daughter of God; "Just passing through"

I'm weird sometimes

June was a tough month in the ward. family deaths of close friends. Stress. That kind of thing

June 8: Finally admitted to myself that I needed to go on a mission

June: Alex's birthday!!!!

July 8th: a gal I used to work with, good friend from the theatre, Cassandra, died. alcohol poisoning. that hurt. 

Called to teach in relief society. Poor girls. 

July 9th: Transported a patient with Tuberculosis. Got exposed. Yipee! After several frantic texts and phone calls. The Elders showed up at my apartment to give me a blessing.  

2 positive readings and 2 negative readings later. I was clear. For now

July: Seth's birthday! 

August: went to a church dance. Didn't hate it too much. I was shocked. 

We may or may not have (and absolutely DID) begin a prank war against the Elders. There were many involved. We gather ideas from people from all walks of life. Including Sister Bishop. Take that Elders. High up's were involved!

August: Tess's birthday!! YAY!!!!

End of August: Creeped to Greeley to feed the brother unit, and Elder Allred. It was his birthday. 

September 5th: Mama, my paternal grandmother. Died. Fairly devestated. Tried to be strong and keep it together. Failed

I was at work when I found out. I was having fun at the Taste of Colorado. Then that email came. I knew I wasn't far from losing it. So I told my partner that we needed to talk to the supervisors so I could leave. They wouldn't let me. I can't tell you how utterly demoralizing and devestating that was. My own superiors in a company equipped to deal with the worst of anyone else's emergency, refused to let me deal with mine. I was more angry than I can remember being. If you know me, you know I have varying degrees of anger. If I'm silent, I'll get over it soon. (if the situation requires a simple 'sorry' to smooth things over, I don't like to get angry. Not worth it.) If I'm yelling at you, be frightened. If I'm crying. Don't expect me to ever trust or respect you again. I hit level three in .03 seconds when they refused to let me go home

Two days later, I was back on shift, planning a trip for the funeral and feeling miserable. Toward the end of the first day, I suddenly went pale, cool, sweaty and dizzy. Turns out, I had a cyst explode on my ovary. That wasn't fun. At all. 

We went to Florida not long after for the funeral. Tough. Really tough. But it was great to be surrounded by family. I got to meet my Uncle Steve, who is quite a riot.

Also, the Denver temple was under construction, and had been since August, so I decided to do what I do best. Run from the problem, straight to the temple. So I ended up going to the Birmingham Alabama Temple. Amazing. It was a great experience. The temple president thought I was 16. 

October: 

Trip to You-Tah!! with two of my favorite girls, Becca and Lee! It was incredible! We got to sing with the Prophet of God!! saw so many great things, learned a lot of history! We got to go to the SLC temple! 

November: After some clerical errors and drama added with some confusion and a healthy dose of frustration, the Hall family is starting to be pieced together again! Temple work started! and in true show of Christlike love, my home teacher went out of his way to make sure my Dad and my grandpa's work got done. I truly am blessed!!

December: 

Mom's birthday! We love her!

Christmas: On duty. Lance and I rocked no sleep! 

Overall verdict for the year. Grateful. So many blessings to make the few rough patches that much more tolerable. 

20 things I'm grateful for:

1. A partner who is tolerant, compassionate and tough enough to deal with me! Easily one of my best friends, and one of the most decent guys I know (don't tell him that)

2. The Savior and His atoning Sacrifice for me. Being blessed to learn His love for ME. 

3: My family. No matter how dysfunctional, no matter how much we push each others' buttons, I love them. Very much. 

4. My friends. Before this year, I had a lot of aquiantences,  I had people I cared about, but I had only a few friends.Maybe more people counted me as a friend, but I didn't trust enough to count them as such. This year, I have friends. I haven't felt very lonely this year. I am blessed. 

5. Being an EMT. I get to interact with so many of God's children. People think that it's because I get to save lives. But really, every day, they're saving mine. I am the lucky one here. 

6. Prayer. Prayer changes things. 

7. the knowledge of forever. Truly. I would not have survived this year without the knowledge of the Plan of Salvation. Truly, the plan that leads to happiness.

8. My home teachers this year. Who have gone above and beyond the responsibilities of their calling to bless me, to support me and to show me that Heavenly Father loves me. For being examples of righteous men. For knowing me well enough to know when to push me, and when to just support me. Mostly though, for not letting me push them away, like I've done with everyone else. 

9. My Visiting teachers. For midnight phone calls. for random baked goods just because. For the love they show me that reminds me of Jesus and His love. 

10. For leaders who see me. Really see me. For better or for worse. and for not letting that influence whether or not they like me. 

11. For the Scriptures, which I am learning are able to be directly applied to me and my life, but also direct me on how to be a better follower of Christ. 

12 For the many blessings that I don't even recognize. And the countless ones that I do. 

13. The Priesthood and those who worthily wield it. For their love for the Savior and the sacred responsibility to bless others with it. 

14. For my bike: without which, getting to work would take me all day. 

15. The Simple things.

16. For hard times, I may not be grateful for them now, but I imagine they (the infamous they) will be right, when I'm through all this and looking back, I'll see the benefits.

17. For living next door to an ER. Since that happened, I have seemed to need it less. Hallelujah

18. Recertifying as an EMT. Come January, I still have a job!

19. Music, there are songs out there that say exactly what I didn't know how to communicate. 

20. For the Truths most worth knowing. (Nov 2011 CES fireside. look it up.)

Rest In Peace Sister Baer

I found out today that Sister Baer, the Matron to the Denver Colorado temple died yesterday in a car accident. Sad.. every time I went to the temple and Sister Baer would there, she'd put her arm around me and tell me how glad she was that I was there. If she had time, she'd sit with me, while I waited for things to get started. She always asked how I was doing, she always wanted to know if there was anything she or the President could do for me. 

She spoke at Boulders adult session of Stake Conference this year. I loved that she talked about a few young men who she make promise that they would go on a mission, and come see her before they did. 

Mortality suffered a loss, but the Other Side received a special woman yesterday. 

Thoughts and prayers would be appreciated for the Baer family and those within the Denver Colorado Temple boundaries. 

In the meantime, Sister Baer, God be with you til we meet again. 

Laus Deo

Everyone has good days and bad days. Everyone experiences tragic heart break and overwhelming joy.

A bad day is when you meet a man who is talking to you, who simply woke up a few days ago, feeling not great. Seemingly a simple cold. By a fluke, one of the nurses just happened to direct the man to go to the doctor. Less than a week later he was dead. Cancer. In less than a week, he went from feeling great to dead. The family was unprepared, unable to let this young man go. We visited him in the ICU, and found him surrounded by machines that performed every function of life, filtered his blood, paced his heart, filled his lungs. On top of that, chemotherapy. No lengths would go untried to save this mans life.
Miracles happen, and they would give this man every opportunity to receive one. This time, the miracle was that his suffering was brief.

That same day, we get toned to a "man down" and on our drive over we speculate as the cause. A diabetic emergency? trauma? low oxygen? our update came in, "CPR in progress". As we pulled in, several dozen people were frantically jumping up and down, screaming and waving like we could possibly miss a horde of people all pointing the same way. Indeed, CPR had been in progress and the man wasn't doing well. We took him emergent to the hospital. He was our first C0R save. (started out dead, ended up less dead)

It's hard to put into words after a shift like that, how the shift went.
"We watched as one man suffered cancer in the last few hours of his life." I could try to explain.
Yet in the same breath " We really got to help someone today, someone who was really dead this time" How do you tell someone that this was one of the toughest and one of the best shifts?

How do you explain to the regular person that for the first time in your peace-making life, you thought about punching someone, because you learned that their 10 year old kid accidentally killed himself, trying to make himself sick to just get away from their parent.

How do you describe the highway roll over where nobody survived and you know you SHOULD feel horrified, but instead you're amped up and know you did your best.

How do you describe these things to those who don't know?

You don't. You just tell them that things are good. And business as usual at work.

Utah, Florida. And things like that

Things have been crazy lately! The trip to Florida was bitter sweet.

We forgot our camera, so we bought a disposable just for the trip to the Temple. I sure love trips to the Temple! Mama’s funeral was lovely. She planned it herself when she was first diagnosed with the cancer that she had. It just oozed Mama’s personality of every talk, every eulogy, every song. It was Mama everywhere. There was a song that she wanted played called “I Could Only Imagine.” by MercyMe. What a beautiful song, and very much Mama. The lyrics are as follows:

I can only imagine what it will be like
When I walk by your side
I can only imagine what my eyes will see
When your face is before me
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory
What will my heart feel?
Will I dance for you Jesus,
Or in awe of you be still?
Will I stand in your presence,
Or to my knees will I fall?
Will I sing Halelluja,
Will I be able to speak at all?
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes
And I find myself standing in the Son
I can only imagine when all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you
I can only imagine
I can only imagine

I heard it on the radio when I got back on shift afterward, which I’d never heard before the funeral. I’m now an avid listener for that song. It reminds me of the good times. The happy times. The memories.

My family and I got along reasonably well, considering we were in the same room, the same car, the same place for a week. That’s enough to grate the most patient persons’ nerves. But overall, it was a lovely trip. We got to meet family members who we’d never met before. My Uncle Steve, who is hilarious and fun, he reminds me a lot of my Uncle Johnny, who’s known as the family funny bone. We met our Aunt Lou, who is Mama’s sister. She is a riot too. And a wealth of family knowledge. And we saw Grandpa Ray again, and met his daughters. It was lovely. I sure love my family, even when we’re driving each other crazy and can’t stand to be near each other anymore. We had a few disasters. Natalie got stung by a Jellyfish! She broke out in hives. Alex lost his glasses to the great Gulf of Mexico. Then he too got stung by a jellyfish. Then finally I got stung by one. It was a blast. And a sting. Haha, get it?

Mom and I went to the Birmingham Alabama temple, which is about 5 hours North of Pensacola Florida. It was a great little road trip. And just what I needed, seeing as the Denver temple has been closed since August. I got to do baptisms with a youth group who’d come from South Alabama. It was wonderful. Even if the temple president thought that I was only 16. I suppose 16 is better than him thinking I was 36 or something, right?

Still, nothing was better than getting to sleep in my own bed once I finally made it home. I got to visit the Twin Peaks ward when I got home, for Institute, the night before we’d had FHE at their building, but I was still traveling home from Florida. When we got home, we decided that I would take Alex to Greeley so we could order him new glasses (we were unable to find his.) By that point I was grouchy, I was exhausted. I was in desperate need of a shower/bath/nap. And I was hungry. So I decided at first that I wasn’t going to go to Institute like I’d originally planned because I just wanted to get home. Then while I was at the store picking up something for dinner and some groceries for Mom, I felt like I needed to go. I did, it was lovely. I saw Elder Yarmo, who still swears that retaliation from our epic prank is on its way. I doubt it though, it’s been over a month since we struck, with nothing. It was fun to see my friends from the old stomping ground.

Home life was crazy after that for a while. Busy, exhaustions. Busy. Work, work, work.

Then onto the next adventure. Utah!

Becca and I had been discussing going to Utah for conference for a while. Some of my friends who served missions here, Ashley and Stephanie would be there, we’d get to see some friends from the ward who had recently moved and have some adventures in our time out there. So despite having just returned a week and a half before, we set out, including our newer friend Lee on our adventure! Becca, the stalwart and patient driver was the sole driver out. 8 hours! Crazy! We departed after noon, after we had surprised her Mom with flowers for her birthday. It was a lovely surprise!

We stopped somewhere along the way for gas, got some dinner and finished our trek to Taylorsville Utah, which was about 20 minutes from Temple Square. (Pictures forthcoming, when I can get to Walgreens!) We crashed Friday night after watching the end of the BYU vs Utah State game (way to pull up Cougars!) and then we watched some Star Trek. Then we went to bed.

The next morning, Saturday, donned early when I received a phone call saying “Dibe, we happen to have 3 extra tickets for conference this morning! Do you want them?”

“YES!” The loud and enthusiastic response burst out in my sleep-infused voice!

I quickly woke the other two ladies, we showered, dressed and ran out the door! Holy amazing!!! I loved being at conference!! Seriously! It was incredible! The Prophet was there! So were His Apostles! How incredible! So we sat, we watched. We laughed, we cried. Provo’s getting a new temple! How awesome is that! Two temples in one city proper! That’s so great! With the high volume of patrons between BYU students and the missionaries at the MTC, I can only imagine the welcome relief it will be. And the excitement! How blessed we are to have temples! A bunch of other temples were announced. France, Columbia, the Congo, Wyoming and Utah, all areas that have Saints shocked and grateful for the new addition to their communities. I know when the Ft. Collins Temple was announced, I was on cloud 9 for a long time! (Although now, the temple is being protested, but don’t fear. The Denver temple was relocated 4 times before the place was finalized. I just hope I will be back from my mission in order to go to the open house!)

Then we went to the Beehive house, around Temple square, and visited the cheesy Utah touristy places. I met with a bunch of sisters on their mission on temple square. I feel like I could spend 18 months there and still not learn all the things there are to learn about the history and such! After the morning session, we had a surprise Colorado reunion in the conference center lobby. We saw Steven, Kenton, Sean, Ashley and a few others! It was grand! Then we went to lunch with Steph, Ashley (the red head!), Al, and a few of their friends. Again, a jolly time1 So great! I loved it so much!

The next morning, we made it to the conference center for the morning session where we heard some of the best talks of conference, I thought! President Monson is amazing. Let’s just be serious about that. He is one heck of a Prophet. And that he truly is. A Prophet of God! He was hilarious, and inspiring and spiritual and wonderful! The best part of conference? I got to sing with the Prophet! Yep! That’s right! I sang with the Prophet! It was one of the most humbling and one of the most exciting experiences I think I’ve ever had! Okay, so I sang with 21,000 other people singing with the Prophet, but I’m good with that!!

We drove to Lee’s family in Pleasant Grove, which was really pretty darn cool. Their family is great! They have a 3 year old little Piranha of a boy. He got my thigh. But holy adorable, and lots of energy batman! Very cute little boy. And a 6 month baby boy. Also very cute. We sure had a good time!

After that, hilarity ensued due to exhaustion, sugar and shenanigans. So we have pictures of a fort we made in the living room of the people we stayed with! And we hiked Ensign Peak. A must-see, must-do hike if you’re in Salt Lake. It was great! The view was gorgeous. It was hard to imagine that valley completely empty like when the pioneers were there. That once the temple stood as the tallest building around, now dwarfed by the neighboring business buildings. It was quite the evening. We sat there for a while, each lost in thought. Finally we descended and went to bed. Early. We would need to be up at 440 am so that we could go to the temple before we left.

So, off the next morning to the temple we went. We parked under the conference center and got a little lost. We wandered up a corridor and found only a door with a doorbell that nobody answered. So we followed a man in a suit up another adjacent hallway. We looked around and a man hidden behind a corner asked for our recommends. At some point, the parking garage became the temple! We’re not sure when but it sure did! What a beautiful building! I could get lost in there, and happily so! The architecture was breath-taking. The design incredible. How can you not love a temple like that! It was amazing to go in and do baptisms. After that, some breakfast at Kneaders, as suggested by my Utah buddy Nettina, and then home! Another long drive with bad drivers, construction workers and random 98 second downpours and we were home. Becca and I, out of mental insanity or desperate need for some physical activity after hours in the car, decided to drive straight to FHE after we arrived in Boulder, which we did, and played volleyball with the ward. And it was the most fun volleyball game I’d participated in, in a long time!!

Adventures indeed!

In other news, I am CA free. No tumors on the ovary. Blood work came back a little irregular, my insulin/glucose ratio after fasting was elevated. That means I’m higher risk for diabetes and I need to exercise daily and watch my diet. It could mean Polycystic ovarian syndrome, but my GYN is hesitant to put a name on it yet. I’ll take it. Life is great. I am blessed!

I am going on a mission! Woop woop!

I believe in Christ, so come what may

What a rough week this has been. What a rough week indeed.

Monday I got an email saying that my Grandma (though true to Southern style, we called her Mama) died. It wasn't exactly unexpected, but it wasn't really expected either. She had a blood disorder, similar to leukemia, but not quite. Her health tanked pretty quickly and she died. There was a lot of guilt, still is. Guilt that I didn't call when I knew I was being prompted to call and check in. To talk one more time. Guilt for not sharing the Gospel. Then there was guilt because I know she's better now. Not hurting, not suffering. And yet I would rather her be alive. Pretty awful right? What kind of granddaughter would rather Mama be alive and hurting, than better. It's been painful and difficult to swallow the news. I am eternally grateful though, for the knowledge and the testimony of the Plan of Happiness. Because even if I'm hurting, even if I feel guilty, even when I feel like falling apart, I have a testimony of the Savior and the Plan. And that gives me hope. With that knowledge, I can survive this.

Wednesday, I was at work and had acute onset 9/10 pelvic pain. I tried to deal with it. I tried to push through it. Then I started feeling light headed, and I was vagaling from the pain. My pulse rate dropped to 54 and I was pale and cool. I was so miserable. I convinced my partner to take me to Urgent Care. Turns out I had a cyst on my ovary that burst. OW! In case you're wondering, bursting ovarian cysts, hurt. A lot. Alot. Not a little. A lot. Yeah. miserable. But I was still having pain. A lot of pain. Also, I was super dehydrated because I haven't been able to keep much down. So, I bought myself an IV and a liter of fluid. And then my blood work came back. My labs were off. Not critically off, but off enough that the MD was nervous. So she sent me straight away to Boulder Community for an Ultra Sound.

(Side note, funny story. The Ultrasound tech microwaved (or something like that) the gel that she put on my belly then started checking my lady parts with the wand of awful-ness and there it was... a heart beat! WHAT?! That is physically impossible! Seriously! Unless they rename me Mary and an Angel appears to me, it is not possible!! I started freaking out! I looked over and the tech was laughing. A lot. Apparently that's her favorite prank to pull! It's a good thing she doesn't know me too well, otherwise I'd prank her back. And I've never lost a prank war. As our Elders. We won.)

I was then instructed to sit in this chair and wait. Until what, I wasn't sure. But to sit and wait. So I sat. And I waited. And then a phone rang. I looked up the hall. Nobody. I looked down the hall. Nobody. I looked at the phone and fought the urge to answer "Harry's morgue, you stab 'em, we slab 'em!" instead, hesitantly answered the phone. "yuh.... Hello?"
"Hi, DiAnne?" The voice on the other end said.
God? I wondered.
"... Yeah...?"
"Hi this is Dr so-an-so, I just finished reviewing your Ultrasound and it shows that you have a cyst on your right ovary. It's a complex cyst, meaning it's full of fluid and solid material. you need to go see your doctor in the morning for a follow up. They'll do more tests. okay?"
"uh.. okay.." Solid material? What kind of fluid? What tests? What do the suspect?  I wondered as the doctor hung up.

The next afternoon, I walked to the doctor where they told me "We're going to do a CA125 and regular CBCs and an H and H as well as a blood panel."
I nodded. "What is the CA125, and what are you looking with everything else?"
"CA125 is a screening for Ovarian cancer. We're checking if you're anemic, we want to know what your white blood count is."
"woah woah woah woah. Cancer? What's the likelihood that I have cancer?" I ask.
"It's serious enough that this test needs to be done."
"Is it conclusive?" I ask
"No, this test is what they give women who are already diagnosed with Ovarian cancer to make sure it's not coming back."
Uh... okay?
So I find out Monday if I have cancer. Or I'm closer to knowing if I have cancer.

Darn lady parts. Funny, I've been telling people I don't think that childbirth is natural like they seem to say. And now with the potential for that to be taken away, I want to have kids. Not anytime soon. But I want kids.

Rough week.

I need a hug.

Mrs. Kennedy

Thank goodness for the Atonement. Thank goodness for the Plan of Happiness that allows families to live together forever.
Our neighbor, Mrs. Kennedy died Wednesday night. And while my heart is sad for her, I know that she's okay.

Mr. Kennedy told us that he was just holding on to take care of his sweet heart. Now that she's gone, he has no reason to hold on, he says. That is sweet and breaks my heart.

Days like today, make me so grateful for my Savior.

Bon Voyage Cassandra, till we meet again.

But if I alone had stumbled
If I alone had strayed
If I alone had wandered from straight and narrow way
If I alone bore guilt for which my all could never atone
He would have come for me
For me alone

How grateful I am for that knowledge. For my Savior. For His atoning sacrifice for me. How grateful I am this day, and everyday that He doesn't give up on me. What a blessing. A miracle.

You Raise Me Up

When I am down and, oh my soul, so weary
When troubles come and my heart burdened be
Then I am still and wait here in the silence
Until you come and sit awhile with me

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be

You raise me up so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


I have been a slacker, I'm aware. Unfortunately, my car, who I insulted one too many times,  kicked the bucket, managed to get word to my computer and my smart phone. The result, you might ask? If I plug the computer (named S'ven) he sparks. Ask the scorch marks on my bed spread, the one that pretty much caught fire. That was fun. My smart phone, Gladys? She cracked and then decided to start eating texts and voice mails. So, now I'm virtually disconnected with the world. That is both a liberating and debilitating feeling. Oh well, I have enough people in my life who text me if anything exciting is happening in the world!

Life has been rather eventful as of late. I picked up a second job, which so far, I enjoy. I do a lot of walking, a lot of joking, and a lot of hand washing. But I work with some great people. Aside from being so physically exhausted and emotionally drained, I've been spiritually fed. I am so grateful for my Home Teachers, I'm so grateful for the missionaries in my area.

I have learned an awful lot about myself this week. I also have decided that I need to learn to be a better story teller.

The big news though, is this. I should be submitting my mission papers by December. I am going on a mission. Don't worry, it was a surprise to me too. I fought it for a while. I can't say that I think I'll be a good missionary, I'm far too lazy, often too apprehensive to speak, too personal to refrain from hugging people. Yeah, it'll be tough. And yet, I get butterflies in my stomach, the size of pterodactyls, every time I think about it. I start almost jumping up and down, and I haven't even submitted my paperwork yet!

My plan/goal is to recert my EMT and CPR, so that they'll last until I get home, and then start working again and work toward getting my Fire 1. But, we'll see how that works. Right now, I'm working my tail off in two jobs, to get everything I owe paid off. Then I'll start saving money for the mission, then I'll purchase the clothes I need and off I go! I anticipate being able to put my papers in by December.

One of these days, I'll tell you the story of how this all kind of fell into my lap, but for now, I should go work.

I am grateful for the Savior, He raises me up!

Homeward Bound again.

In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed
When the sparrows stop their singing
I'll be homeward bound again.

Then the wind will set me racing
As my journey nears its end
And the path I'll be retracing
When I'm homeward bound again.

I still can't answer why the death of our patient last week bothered me as much as it did. I've seen death before. I've watched my own family members die. And I'd never had sorrow quite like that. I still can't answer why I was blessed to come back to work so early, to experience this call.

A week ago, she began retracing her steps. Tomorrow, she will be laid to rest. She is Homeward bound again. At the end of the day, how can I be sad about that? She is homeward bound again. I don't have sorrow for her. I hurt for her family, for her friends. for the facility staff. for us.

But despite the pain, there is joy.



The sure provisions of my God

Attend me all my days.
O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise.

There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come.
No more a stranger nor a guest,
But like a child at home.

So while her family lays her to rest, tomorrow. I'll be at the Temple. A place where I found settled rest.
I am grateful for those Tender Mercies. I am grateful for the knowledge of this life eternal.

I am blessed.

The Return!

Well, my first shift back was... memorable. I am so grateful, and so excited to be back. I can also say that this shift was easily the most difficult shift I've ever had.

The first day was so good. One transfer, nothing else exciting went down, we met a lovely lady who was very nice. We woke up once at night to do a long(er) transfer of a psych patient, who was genuinely crazy-pants, but a very friendly and cooperative, albeit talkative crazy-pants.

A tone dropped in the early hours of the morning for a fire, which we didn't have to go with on, gratefully. I was tired. Soon thereafter, a transfer came in. It was an urgent to go to a local nursing home. Our dispatch information was "hypoxia with difficulty breathing." Mind you, we're being asked by the facility/insurance to come in non-emergent (which means not lights and sirens) and what's more, we had half an hour to respond.

We get there and our patient is sick. Clearly, sick. A slight nose bleed was all the untrained eye would see. To us, we saw pale, cyanotic, terror. She knew she was going to die. We feared it. A few short minutes later confirmed what we already suspected, we were racing against time. Paperwork dictated that she did not want any extraordinary measures taken to preserve her life.

Soon, she was coughing copious amounts of dried blood from her lungs.
Time to go... Now
As we transferred her from her bed to ours, something changed.
We began fastening the safty belts and she grasped my wrist firmly in her hand. "Help me... please" she whispered.
"We're going to do everything we can for you, okay dear? Now don't you worry now! You're in good hands." I tried to console. Then it happened. Her jaw clenched and her eyes closed.
No visible breathing. No palpable coratid pulse. DNR in hand. We were done.

I prayed for comfort for my partner and I, for the staff, for her roommate, and for her family. I prayed a lot. And yet I struggled. How can it be that I was blessed to come back 4 weeks early, just to have my heart ripped up with this call. In all accounts, this is considered a tame call. We were bound by the law to not work this arrest. That means the loss wasn't ours. It was the laws. right?
Still, I watched a daughter, a grandmother, a mother, a friend, a sister, a person a child of God suffer. In a way I hope I never have to suffer.

We win some, we lose some. Thursday, we lost.

I can't say whether we could have saved her or not, had we been legally permitted to try. I couldn't tell you if any attempts would or would not have bene in vain. That's not my place to make that statement.

I know that peace and comfort are available when it's requested.
I may not know why I was blessed to come back to work for this shift. But I do know that He knows, and I can't ask for much more than that. I trust Him. I choose faith over fear. I choose faith over tears. He knows why I needed to be there for that call, I trust that it will give me experience and be for my good.

I am grateful for the Plan of Happiness. I'm grateful to know that this isn't the end. How hopeless life would be to not have that knowledge.

Still, this isn't a call I'm likely forget anytime soon. I wish I could have done more.