"She's got it!"

In Institute last night, a comment was made that really struck my heart.

For parents out there, when your child tries over and over to do something (potty train, tie their shoes, walk, etc) and they keep failing, you feel the anticipation that you know they are going to get it. But they have to work hard. And then when they finally get it, your eyes light up as you say "She's got it!" and "He did it!"

That's how our Heavenly Father treats us. I for one, am usually certain that Heavenly Father is looking out for the bad things that I'll do. for the negative thoughts, for the improper behavior. But He knows the world we live in. He knows that those things are going to happen. So He's looking for the good things. And when we finally succeed, He lights up with "She's got it!"

I need to think more along those lines. Maybe I would beat myself up so much when I failed or slipped. 

Hmm, just some food for thought

Helllooo?

I haven't really updated as to what's been going on in life. I don't actually have computer access anymore, unless I'm at work. That being said, I'm not sure anyone even reads this, so I could be typing to hear my own... voice? typing? haha. I understand.


Here are some things that are new(er) in my life.

I was called to be a Relief Society Instructor... Poor girls...
I am officially a Wild land fire fighter. That's right, this small and simple girl, can go on dispatch!
I now work a second job, at Exempla Good Samaritan Medical Center. I am in the PACU as a tech.
I am still preparing to go on a mission
I am counting my blessings
The TB saga continues
I really do not enjoy having cold hands.


I was called to be a Relief Society Instructor... Poor girls...
Imagine my surprise, when the 2nd councelor of the Bishopric calls me and says he needs to meet with me, and it's urgent.
Further, imagine my surprise when he tells me that he can meet me at my house. It's that important.
Well, I'm either going to get a call to repentence or I'm going to receive a calling. I wasn't sure which to hope for. As of that point, I held only the calling of FHE committee member and love it. FHE is like home to me, having served on a committee or as a chairmen since I first began attending YSA wards. I did not want to be released. But. I didn't want to be called to repentence urgently enough that I have to be sought out by the Priesthood holders in my Bishopric, that would be embarassing.
Brother Fischer came a-knockin' and dropped the bomb. "You are being called to be an instructor in the Relief Society" He tells me.
I laugh. Hahaha, no, but really, why are you here?
He repeats himself.
No no no, that can't be right. Have you met me? I don't like to speak formally infront of people. The idea of being responsible to declare Gospel truths to people is a lot. That is a lot of responsibility. What if I say the wrong thing? What if I teach something that isn't Gospel? No no no, wrong, wrong wrong.
to my surprise, I hear a muttered "I accept" leave me lips. WHAT?! I most certainly can't accept! no way!
And my first lesson, I'm told, is Eternal Marriage? Seriously? It couldn't be something a little more relavent to my life? I am not sealed to anyone, my folks weren't sealed. How could I relate this to a group of single women?! Still, I decided to accept. The lesson was... rough. To say the least. I am not a teacher, but I didn't realize how grateful I would be to get a chance to teach. To stretch those muscles, to strengthen that weakness. Because I do want to be a missionary, and to be a missionary means to be a teacher. And I am actually enjoying preparing lessons. It's just the delivery of lessons that I don't yet enjoy.


I am officially a Wild land fire fighter. That's right, this small and simple girl, can go on dispatch!
There isn't really more to this than the headline. I have my red card, but I don't have any of my equipment. I have a hard time justifying spending $400 or more on equipment, when I'm putting my paperwork in, in 11 months. Still, it's pretty cool to be able to say that I am a fire fighter.


I now work a second job, at Exempla Good Samaritan Medical Center. I am in the PACU as a tech.

The hours are ideal Monday - Friday, 0800-1800/1830. They only need me when our patient load is 20+ and I'm PRN. I am enjoying it much more than I expected to. It's easy work, but I'm working on being able to anticipate needs, to be efficient and knowledgable and dependable and likable. It's been fun. I like people. I like talking with people. I like cheering people up. It's lovely.


I am still preparing to go on a mission
holy cow, missions are expensive. I'll have bake sales and car washes and offer to mow lawns, rake leaves, babysit. Whatever I need to do. There's a lot to pay for! And I can't wait! I have been greatly blessed in my preparations. Money has started coming in from least expected places, I got my deposit back from the house. Money from where The Church has graciously paid my knee injury bills in full. (All I've paid has been coming back to me. Which means I can put it toward the mission. there have been some snafu's, but everything will work out. I'm excited to see how.

I am counting my blessings

I have been blessed. With so much more than I deserve

The TB saga continues
I get my next test in October, in the meantime, there's been drama with the fit tests. I had to see the workmans comp doc to make sure I had one that fit. They lost my paperwork. Ridiculous. Shenanigans. It's over. I'm happy. It fits. The end.

I really do not enjoy having cold hands.

Seriously. Cold hands = terrible

Homeward Bound again.

In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed
When the sparrows stop their singing
I'll be homeward bound again.

Then the wind will set me racing
As my journey nears its end
And the path I'll be retracing
When I'm homeward bound again.

I still can't answer why the death of our patient last week bothered me as much as it did. I've seen death before. I've watched my own family members die. And I'd never had sorrow quite like that. I still can't answer why I was blessed to come back to work so early, to experience this call.

A week ago, she began retracing her steps. Tomorrow, she will be laid to rest. She is Homeward bound again. At the end of the day, how can I be sad about that? She is homeward bound again. I don't have sorrow for her. I hurt for her family, for her friends. for the facility staff. for us.

But despite the pain, there is joy.



The sure provisions of my God

Attend me all my days.
O may Thy house be my abode,
And all my work be praise.

There would I find a settled rest,
While others go and come.
No more a stranger nor a guest,
But like a child at home.

So while her family lays her to rest, tomorrow. I'll be at the Temple. A place where I found settled rest.
I am grateful for those Tender Mercies. I am grateful for the knowledge of this life eternal.

I am blessed.

The Return!

Well, my first shift back was... memorable. I am so grateful, and so excited to be back. I can also say that this shift was easily the most difficult shift I've ever had.

The first day was so good. One transfer, nothing else exciting went down, we met a lovely lady who was very nice. We woke up once at night to do a long(er) transfer of a psych patient, who was genuinely crazy-pants, but a very friendly and cooperative, albeit talkative crazy-pants.

A tone dropped in the early hours of the morning for a fire, which we didn't have to go with on, gratefully. I was tired. Soon thereafter, a transfer came in. It was an urgent to go to a local nursing home. Our dispatch information was "hypoxia with difficulty breathing." Mind you, we're being asked by the facility/insurance to come in non-emergent (which means not lights and sirens) and what's more, we had half an hour to respond.

We get there and our patient is sick. Clearly, sick. A slight nose bleed was all the untrained eye would see. To us, we saw pale, cyanotic, terror. She knew she was going to die. We feared it. A few short minutes later confirmed what we already suspected, we were racing against time. Paperwork dictated that she did not want any extraordinary measures taken to preserve her life.

Soon, she was coughing copious amounts of dried blood from her lungs.
Time to go... Now
As we transferred her from her bed to ours, something changed.
We began fastening the safty belts and she grasped my wrist firmly in her hand. "Help me... please" she whispered.
"We're going to do everything we can for you, okay dear? Now don't you worry now! You're in good hands." I tried to console. Then it happened. Her jaw clenched and her eyes closed.
No visible breathing. No palpable coratid pulse. DNR in hand. We were done.

I prayed for comfort for my partner and I, for the staff, for her roommate, and for her family. I prayed a lot. And yet I struggled. How can it be that I was blessed to come back 4 weeks early, just to have my heart ripped up with this call. In all accounts, this is considered a tame call. We were bound by the law to not work this arrest. That means the loss wasn't ours. It was the laws. right?
Still, I watched a daughter, a grandmother, a mother, a friend, a sister, a person a child of God suffer. In a way I hope I never have to suffer.

We win some, we lose some. Thursday, we lost.

I can't say whether we could have saved her or not, had we been legally permitted to try. I couldn't tell you if any attempts would or would not have bene in vain. That's not my place to make that statement.

I know that peace and comfort are available when it's requested.
I may not know why I was blessed to come back to work for this shift. But I do know that He knows, and I can't ask for much more than that. I trust Him. I choose faith over fear. I choose faith over tears. He knows why I needed to be there for that call, I trust that it will give me experience and be for my good.

I am grateful for the Plan of Happiness. I'm grateful to know that this isn't the end. How hopeless life would be to not have that knowledge.

Still, this isn't a call I'm likely forget anytime soon. I wish I could have done more.

The Great Return!

Well! I made it! I'm going back to work in the morning! And I couldn't be happier! I am so so excited! I love that I get to go do the ambulance thing again.

But you know what? I've learned something important over the last 9 weeks. I am not defined by what I do. Sure, I'm an EMT. I love my job. I love that I get to be around people all the time, and it's one of those jobs where I really get a chance to make a difference. To matter. To somebody. But that's not WHO I am. If my job ended tomorrow, I'd be upset, probably pretty devastated. But, I am more than an EMT.

It's funny, I had a partner a while back that would sit and talk with me about some pretty deep things. (He and I used to have some awesome debates) and we discussed how the worst trials end up being the best blessings. And I always forget that when I'm going through the trial. But then after, I realize how essential it was to changing me. And I'm all for changing, so long as it's for the best.
I cursed my luck after my knee injury. I was stressed and worried and upset and about a million other emotions, most of them not so pleasant. It was a huge trial of faith.
Trust. That is something I don't do. For anyone really. It's just how it is. It's who I am. I'm always determined to make it on my own. These last 9 weeks have been a real challenge to let go of a lot of that pride to really figure out who I am. And you know what, I wouldn't trade a second of it! I am so grateful for the last 9 weeks, for the time it's taken me to learn who I am, and to grow closer to my Father in Heaven, to grow closer to my family. It's been a blessing indeed.

And blessing that I'm back to work 3-4 weeks early! What!!
I have been blessed, with more than I deserve!